


After Everything

by Strawberry_Times



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Connor is being a bit of an asshole but it's ok because hes trying, Disconnected, Dr. Handsome is handsome, Kevin is going through some stuff, M/M, Post-Africa, Slow Build, reunited, this is my first time doing chapters yoink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-05-16 07:23:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14806895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strawberry_Times/pseuds/Strawberry_Times
Summary: Once the plane lands on American soil, Connor and Kevin go their separate ways.Kevin deals with rejection and new beginnings and tries to shake the feeling of what might have happened if Connor was still at his side... That is, until he is at his side.





	1. Doctor Handsome

Kevin sat in his seat. He had a window seat because he liked to watch what happened below him. It made him feel tall. 

 

The plane ride to America was bumpy and long. The turbulence became so much at one point that flight attendants had to strap in. Connor, who traded seats with Arnold, grabbed Kevin’s hand. 

 

In Kevin’s opinion Connor already kinda looked a little sick at all times, but right now, he looked plain diseased. His face had drained of all color, he was abnormally skinny and he was doing breathing exercises Kevin can only imagine you would do in child labor. His eyes were screwed shut and had no promise of opening. His hand was clammy and a little cold, but Kevin felt like his was on fire. 

 

He wanted to be bold. 

 

Kevin stroked his thumb on Connor’s knuckles. Back and forth, like the water lapping at the lakes side. Connor’s heavy breathing slowly became normal human breathing and a little color returned to his face. Kevin turned his head and looked at Connor whose eyes were still shut. For a moment Kevin thought he might be asleep until they hit another patch of turbulence and Connor went wild, pulling Kevin’s arm into his body and clutching to it like it would keep him afloat in an open ocean. 

 

“Woah.... you’re ok.” Kevin said with a slight chuckle. 

 

“ _This fucking sucks_.” Connor whispered. It was then Kevin realized he was crying. He unlatched Connor from his forearm and wrapped both of his arms around the man, pulling him into his chest. Even though it was a little awkward with the arm rest and their seat buckles, Connor held onto Kevin as tight as he possibly could. 

 

It was night time outside. They still had seven hours on their flight. Connor was silently crying into Kevin’s shoulder so the others wouldn’t hear. And Kevin was terrified to go back to America.

 

The plane touched down at six pm. The boys were exhausted. Right now for them it’s one in the morning. Connor and Kevin got off the plane last, trying to salvage their last moments together. Trying to make a few seconds last a minute. Kevin didn’t let go of his hand. He held it until they were off the plane and all the way to their luggage and even until they were standing in the intersection of Terminals. They were in Washington DC. An American flag the size of the mission hut was hung on the wall before them. Connor stared at it, and for once, Kevin finally understood that strange expression. 

 

He gripped his hand. He knew as long as he gripped his hand Connor was right next to him and not on a plane going to Virgina. Connor reached into Kevin’s pocket and pulled out his ticket. He wasn’t making any eye contact. 

 

“Your plane leaves in an hour, you should get to your terminal.” Connor says. 

 

“Yeah I should.” Kevin replies, not moving. Connor stares at Kevin’s ticket, his pink suitcase resting at his heels. He bites his lower lip. 

 

“Utah...” Connor says solemnly.

 

“Yeah...” Connor stares at the ticket like he doesn’t understand what it is. Kevin squeezes his hand. Connor smiles up at him. It’s shocking how fake it is. He slips the ticket back into Kevin’s suit pocket and rests his hand there. Right by Kevin’s heart.

 

“Utah..” he says again, staring at Kevin’s name tag. His eyebrows wrinkle and his smile strains. “... _Fuck.”_ Connor breaks. His hand flies up to his face and he sobs. Kevin holds Connor’s other hand in his still, it’s the longest and hardest he’s ever held anything. Connor shuffled into his chest and, like a toddler, and wrapped his arms around Kevin’s torso. Kevin knows the other boys are watching but he doesn’t really care right now. He holds Connor tight, burying his face in the crook of his neck, breathing him in one more time, letting himself let go and hold on all at once. Connor whispers, “ _I don’t want you to go.”_ And Kevin can’t say anything. He knows if he opens his mouth he’s gonna do something stupid like he always does. 

 

“Kevin I-“ Connor says but cuts himself off.  _Say it_ , Kevin thinks.  _Say it so I can kiss you and hold you and scream and know that it’s ok because you feel the same as me._ Connor keeps opening his mouth like a fish with no water. 

 

“... you what?” He asks. Connor grips him. For a moment. And then let’s go. They are still holding hands. 

 

“I um...” Connor keeps looking at their interlocked fingers as if it’s a puzzle that took him two years to complete, and now he doesn’t know how to fit all the pieces back in the box. 

 

Kevin doesn’t cry. Kevin doesn’t cry at all until he’s back home laying in his bed staring at up at his ceiling all alone, Connor’s words racing around his head like a mosquito. “ _I have to go.”_ That’s all he said. After two  _years_ of staring and touching and almost kissing but not really. All Connor could give to him was  _I have to go._ It pounded at his brain. Kevin rolled over eyes dry and heart absolutely shattered. His stomach was just a pit. A pit that his heart jumped into and broke into a million shards. He would never be able to pick up all the pieces. He would never be able to explain his sadness to his parents who tried their best to understand. He would never be able to enjoy his memories of Africa. He will never see Connor again.... he will  _never_ see Connor again... Kevin brought his hand to his face and cried. The same hand that held Connor’s was now pretending to be Connor’s. An imposter. Kevin gripped his old blanket to his body and dry heaved into it. This was so painful. He could feel his heart pounding and cracking and his lungs giving out. His vision was fading, and his hands felt numb. 

 

Kevin fell asleep. 

 

He didn’t stay in Utah for long. He and Arnold saved up for a few months and moved to the big city. They figured if they could live in a disease infested, famine stricken community in Africa, they might as well do the same thing in America. 

 

Their apartment was barely two bedrooms. It had a window that looked into the prettiest brick wall Kevin had ever seen, and the loudest, angriest neighbors to ever exist. And Kevin has known an actual war-lord. Most of their furniture was either donated from family members or bought from Craigslist. Kevin’s favorite thing in the entire place was a small picture of Nabalungi, Arnold and himself in a little green picture frame that looked like a house. They hung it right above their little yellow couch. Arnold kept his movies on the lower half of their bookshelf and Kevin kept his books on the top. Their TV was from Arnold’s house... so was basically everything else. Arnold’s parents helped them move in. Kevin’s were sad to see him go but happy he was at least doing something. Dragging him to church every Sunday was getting exhausting for the whole clan. Arnold said things need to be happy. He hung up Christmas lights all over their living room. 

 

“Perfect.” He said, admiring his work. Kevin laughed. It was like he was at a carnival. Later that night Kevin came out of his room for a glass of water and saw Arnold crying, holding the picture frame. Kevin slipped back into his room. He let him have his moment. 

 

Arnold got a job in the city selling tickets in a box for some new broadway show, and Kevin started working at the library. It was cold a lot and Kevin wasn’t used to that yet. After being stuck in an oven for two years, having to buy an entire new wardrobe for a freezer was a drastic change. They had to buy a coat rack! Arnold was convinced that Kevin was addicted to Sun Chips and Kevin was certain that Arnold was never properly taught how to tie his shoes. 

 

It’s funny how much more you can learn from a person when you live with them in normal circumstances. Arnold likes day time television. Kevin never knew that. Ellen DeGeneres has become a beacon of hope for them. Arnold keeps writing letters to her asking for money to send Nabalungi to America for him. Kevin chooses to laugh at him. It makes them both feel better. 

 

It’s almost Christmas. Kevin is sitting on their couch staring at his phone. Arnold is sitting on the floor playing a video game on the tv. 

 

“You aren’t gonna find him.” Arnold mocks.

 

“If there’s one thing Connor McKinley loves, its attention, and the best place to find that is online.” Kevin scrolled through the hundreds of Connor McKinleys on Facebook, none of them striking a match. 

 

“Seriously Kevin, it’s a little sad.” Arnold says. 

 

“I don’t care.” 

 

“What’re you gonna do if you find him? Follow him? Message him?” Arnold asked, setting the controller down. Kevin shrugged. 

 

“I don’t know...” he said quietly, scrolling through the endless sea of McKinleys.

 

“Did you... did you love him?” He asked. Kevin nodded his head slowly. He thinks it was very obvious they were in love... maybe it was only obvious to him. 

 

“Yeah... I think I was pretty much head over heels if I’m being honest.” Kevin says, looking up at Arnold. They smiled sadly at each other. 

 

“Yeah, me too.” He said. Their silence was short but powerful. Like a period at the end of a sentence. “I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone else.” Arnold said. 

 

“Sure you will.” Kevin lied. “We just... we need to put ourselves out there.” Kevin put his phone down. Arnold was fidgeting with his thumbs. He looked up at Kevin and gave a small sad smile. 

 

“I know you probably told me everything already, but did you two ever kiss?” Arnold asked. Kevin shook his head. Arnold scoffed. “Really?! After all that time I thought you did.”

 

“There was one time I think he kissed me but I didn’t know.” Kevin said, trying to recall a distant drunken memory.

 

“How do you not know if you were kissed I feel like that’s a pretty significant thing to happen.” Arnold says. 

 

“I remember.. I remember we were sharing my bed.” Kevin said lowly as if it were a secret, or something they never did. Truth be told, towards the end, Connor was in Kevin’s bed more than his own. “And it was  _really_  early in the morning, maybe like.. two or threeo’ clock.” Arnold’s interest was piqued. “And I remember he was..” Kevin smiled down at his hands and laughed. “Oh my god, he was like, wrapped around me, like his arms and legs, just all over me, and I was getting hot under the covers and I took off my shirt and pants and he just kinda stared at me and, looking back on it now I think he was really drunk and  _really_ turned on and I can’t remember if when I closed my eyes he kissed me or not. It’s all kind of a blur.” He said. 

 

Arnold’s jaw was dropped. “You guys naked cuddled but never kissed!?” 

 

“We weren’t  _naked_!” Kevin exclaimed. Arnold rolled his eyes. 

 

“Have you seen his stuff?” He asked. Kevin rolled his eyes and chucked a throw pillow at him. 

 

“That’s personal.” He said. 

 

“You would only say that if it was true!” He yells, chucking the pillow back, hitting Kevin in the eye. 

 

“ _Ow!_ Arnold I have seen you naked a million times, why does it matter for Connor?” 

 

“You don’t want to do dirty things to me!” He says. Kevin laughs. “I mean... unless I was wrong about you, you  _dirty dog_.” Arnold makes a kissy face and Kevin launches the pillow into it as hard as he can. 

 

Kevin tries to get over this... what ever you call it with Connor. He doesn’t see a realistic way of ever seeing him again, and with the way things were left, he doesn’t think Connor really wants to be found. 

 

So Kevin gets off his ass and puts his heart on the line. He meets a girl, she’s nice and sweet and quiet. She has brown hair and small hands and Kevin tried really hard to like her but he just... didn’t. He tried a string of girls who were all the same with different faces. When they touched him he felt weird. None of it really worked. 

 

Kevin met a guy who always came to the library on Friday. He always checked out a different book about nature and botany. He said Kevin looked cute in his brown turtle neck and he asked him out to dinner. He had black hair and stubble and his eyes were so blue it was scary. Kevin looked in them and couldn’t breathe. Those were  _his_ eyes. He was star struck as he agreed to go out with him. 

 

Arnold helped pick out his outfit. They were meeting at 7. Dinner was fine, his date was nice and cute and really liked talking to him. He used to be catholic but left the church for the same reasons Kevin did. He goes to NYU and he’s majoring in plant sciences. Kevin thinks he’s a little boring but when he looks at those eyes he doesn’t really care. Kevin kisses him and invites him in, they end up in his bedroom because where else would they go and Kevin kinda looses his virginity and first kiss on the same day because he doesn’t understand self control.

 

When he’s being pushed into the bed he’s pretending those eyes belong to someone else. When this guy whispers dirty things in his ear he hears another voice. And when his body is getting devoured by an almost complete stranger Kevin knows this is just a facade. He cums and he thinks of him. He feels empty when it’s over. Like it didn’t really happen or just like when he thinks they kissed, he blocks it out of his memories.

 

When he leaves, Kevin never hears from him again. Go figures.

 

Arnold makes fun of the hickeys on his neck for two weeks and Kevin laughs because he knows he means well. 

 

He doesn’t intend for it to happen, but that was the start of the train of twenty-something year old men raiding their apartment. Kevin becomes drunk off the feeling of being wanted and desired. He craves it. He needs it. He has finally found something that makes living a little less shitty. And yeah, if he only ever screws guys with bright blue eyes, or says the wrong name, that’s just the price he’s going to have to pay. But the feeling of being touched all over by someone who barely knows you and yet knows all of your secrets... well, it’s really fucking hot.

 

Arnold is getting concerned though. Kevin can tell. As they ate cereal on the couch, Arnold notices a particularly nasty mark on Kevin’s upper arm. 

 

“Is that from that guy the other night?” Arnold asks, lifting his sleeve and inspecting the bruise. Kevin didn’t even notice that was there. 

 

“Oh shit.” He said dumbly. Arnold makes a face. Kevin doesn’t really understand it. He looks like his mother. Arnold quietly goes back to eating his cereal. “Are you ok?” Kevin asks. 

 

“Yeah I’m fine.” Arnold says. “...are  _you_ ok?” He asks. Kevin nods his head.

 

“I swear, I didn’t even know that mark was there.”

 

“That’s the thing Kev, this is dangerous and you don’t even realize it!” Arnold says. He doesn’t look mad. Just scared and concerned. Kevin feels a little embarrassed. 

 

“I’m ok though.” He says quietly. 

 

“You have like, three different guys over a week, and you are getting hurt, and I don’t think you have even been tested.” Arnold says. 

 

“I don’t have  _AIDS_  or anything. _”_ He says. Arnold puts his bowl down. 

 

“How do you know!” He says. Kevin stays quiet. “Kev... what ever happened between you and Connor seriously messed you up and I think you’re coping in the wrong ways.” Arnold says.

 

“... sorry.” He says quietly. Levin stares down to his feet and feels really low. Arnold pulls him into a hug. 

 

“I’m just worried about you.” He says. Kevin hugs him back. Before they let go Arnold grips him as tight as he can. “Promise me you’ll get tested.”

 

“What? Arnold I’m not-“

 

“Promise!” He shouts. 

 

“Fine! Fine!” Kevin shouts back.

 

A week later Kevin makes the mistake of actually showing up to this appointment. He sits in the cold blue chairs waiting for a nurse to tell him to follow. The music is scary the people look mean and Arnold has wormed his way into Kevin’s mind. Now, a fear that wasn’t there before, definitely is... what if he’s sick. What if one of these guys wasn’t... who he thought they were. That’s scary to think about and Kevin would rather just ignore it if he’s being completely honest. But, he told Arnold he would. So he is. Because of Arnold wasn’t around, Kevin doesn’t think he would’ve even lived to make it back to America. 

 

“Good morning Mr. Price.” The doctor says. He is tall and handsome and has big hands and blue eyes and his voice is sweet and he can’t be much older than Kevin and Kevin kind of wants to fuck him. Which is literally the exact opposite of the reason he’s here. 

 

“Morning.” He says. Kevin is only grateful they don’t have him in a hospital gown because he’s being reminded so strongly of his incident in Uganda, he’s feeling a little choked. 

 

“Ok, so we’re gonna get started here I’m gonna ask some simple questions, please answer honestly, and we’ll do some tests and send you on your merry way hopefully, happy and healthy- fingers crossed.” The doctor joked. Kevin laughed but also wanted to scream. 

 

“I have a question.” Kevin says. “Are any of these tests gonna hurt?” 

 

Doctor handsome kind of chuckles. “Unless you cannot stand needles or finger pricks, it’s harmless.” Kevin is terrified of needles.

 

“Cool.” He lies. 

 

“Ok let’s get started. When was the last time you were sexually active?” The doctor asks. It’s right about now when the shame kicks in. This is going to be harder then he thought. 

 

“Um.. four days ago.” Kevin says as confidently as he can.

 

“Ok, do you know if your partner was tested?” He asked.

 

“There’s been a lot of partners.. I never really asked any of them.” The doctor nodded like this was common information. 

 

“Have you ever been penetrated anally?” He asks. Kevin buried his face in his hands.  _Oh my God make this end._

 

“Yes I have.” He mumbles. The doctors pen scratches at the clipboard. 

 

“Ok. Last question and then we’re done, have you been out of the country in the last six months?” He asks.

 

“Not the last six, but I lived in this little village in Northern Uganda for two years... um... ok so this is going to sound horrible but a man was shot right in front of me while I was there, well like, literally the day I got there, and some of his blood got on me, I cleaned it off as best I could but a lot of the people there have AIDS and... I just think you should know that.” When Kevin looked up, the Doctors mouth was dropped.

 

“Oh... I was not expecting that... usually people just say they went up to Canada to visit some family.” Kevin laughed. It was a little surprising. “Don’t worry ok, I will test for HIV/AIDS but it’s unlikely you have it. You say this happened the day you got there and that was two an a half years ago, and typically the AIDS virus will begin to eat at you two to twelve weeks after you’re infected.” He said. Kevin nodded. He felt naked in front of this man. “Do you have any questions before we start?” He asked. 

 

“You got any scotch?” Kevin joked. Doctor handsome laughed. 

 

“Sadly the only alcohol you’re gonna get here is rubbing alcohol.” He said. “Speaking of.” He held up a small clear bottle of the aforementioned fluid and dabbed some on a towel, and coated a small part of Kevin’s arm, after rolling up his sweater. Kevin tried not to stare at his gloved hands. 

 

The needle was in then it was out then it was a shallow 24 hour panic attack as he waited for his results. Kevin took the day off work seeing as this could either be very bad or very good. He laid on the couch and stared at the photo of him Naba and Arnold. He misses her. It’s time like this where she would most-likely hit him and tell him to grow a pair and then lay down and cry with him. She was his number one supporter, even Arnold had his moments of doubt but she... didn’t. 

 

His phone rang. His heart stopped.

 

“Hello?” He said cautiously.

 

“Hello, is this Kevin Price?” He knew that voice. That’s Doctor Handsome. Oh God.

 

“Yes it is.” He said.

 

“Hello! This is Dr. Matthews, the practician you were with yesterday.” Kevin nodded into the phone. “So, your results came in today, and good news, you’re disease free.” Kevin was so relieved he let out a breath that could fill the state of New York. 

 

“Oh wow, that’s great.” He said.

 

“Yeah, you’re great so...” the Doctor said. Kevin raised a brow.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Yes! Because you’re clean! That’s wonderful, ok well I’m going to go now, thank you for your patience, congratulations and please contact me if you have any other questions.” 

 

“Ok, thanks good bye.” Kevin said.

 

“Good bye Kevin.” 

 

Kevin texted Arnold, and sat back on the couch.

 

“I did it Naba.” He said to the small picture. “For once in my life I didn’t fuck anything up.” His phone buzzed. 

 

“HEY!” Arnold yelled into the phone, Kevin laughed. “So it went well!” 

 

“Yeah! And I’m pretty sure the doctor was hitting on me.” Kevin said. He heard Arnold chuckle.

 

“For some reason that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.” He said. “Is he pretty?”

 

“ _Pretty?_ ” Kevin asked. 

 

“It’s just? You’re so pretty and some of the guys you bring over just... aren’t, you know?” 

 

“Well I highly doubt I’ll be sleeping with Doctor Handsome so...” 

 

“Ha! Doctor Handsome, I like that.” The phone made a large scratch sound that made Kevin jump. “Oops! I just dropped my phone, ok Kev I just got to the theatre, I gotta go!” 

 

“Ok, see you later.” Kevin said, a big smile plastered onto his face. 

 

Maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem.


	2. The Wedding

Kevin has been working harder than ever at his job. His boss is this little old lady who is about to turn 77 and is thinking of retiring. Kevin always helps her sort and stack the books, he explains how to use the computer, and he is always the first to make sure people are keeping a reasonable volume in the library. She calls him ‘dearest’ and he calls here Mrs. Parker even though she said it was alright to call her Sue. 

 

Kevin has been living in the city for almost eight months and for the first time since he moved he feels like he finally belongs somewhere. He likes the feeling of being promoted and being told he’s doing a wonderful job, it colors in his heart a little bit. Truth be told, he works at this library because of Connor. Connor used to talk about it all the time, about how his family took him to New York when he was twelve and they went to this library and he read The Tale of Despereaux. 

 

Kevin keeps it in the drawer of his desk, but the day anyone finds that out is the day he dies. 

 

He made his rounds about the bookshelves, checking that every book was still in its proper section and still in alphabetical order. It was fun for him. It made him feel like he was in Harry Potter, and Arnold said it was nice to see him smile more. 

 

As Kevin was rearranging books on health, a few slipped from his grasp and hit the floor. He bent down to pick them up and he found another hand reaching for the same book.

 

“Oh, it’s alright I’ve got-“ 

 

“Kevin?” A familiar voice said. He looked up. Doctor Handsome was leaned over with him, a few books clutched in his arm. 

 

“Oh... uh, hi.” Kevin said. He quickly picked up the rest of the books and put them on the shelf.

 

“I didn’t know you worked at the library?” He said noticing the name tag. Kevin let out a little laugh and scratched the back of his neck.

 

“I didn’t know you went to the library.” He retorted. The doctor gave a small chuckle and showed off the books he was holding.

 

“I’m picking these up for some of my newer RN’s.” He said. Kevin nodded, and there was an awkward silence between them, neither really knowing what to say, Kevin looked around, trying to think of something but decided to just kill his pain.

 

“Ok well have a nice-“

 

“Do you live near here?” They both talked, and then laughed over their own fumbling. It was weird to see him not in his whole lab coat get-up. He looked cool and casual. He was wearing a yellow sweater and black slacks and the  _nicest_ shoes Kevin has ever seen. 

 

“Uh yeah! I live over in Jersey, across the lake.” He said. Dr. Handsome nodded. 

 

“I actually live in the city, in Hell’s Kitchen.” He said. Kevin raised an eyebrow.

 

“Like the TV show?” He asked. Dr. Handsome laughed big and bright, showing the  _nicest_ set of teeth Kevin has ever seen. He quickly covered his smile up though, at the thought of being to loud in the library. 

 

“No, no, it’s just a little division of Manhattan... I have a small apartment there.” 

 

“Oh..” Kevin nodded. He was looking at him like he was nervous. Like he wanted to ask Kevin something but he was already told no.

 

“Um... so hey!” He said. Kevin looked up at him... blue eyes. “Would you wanna maybe... get dinner with me sometime?” He asked. Kevin kind of laughed, and then looked at him. He looked terrified.

 

“ _Oh!_ Oh my god you’re being serious.” He said, putting a hand over his heart. The Doctor laughed. 

 

“Yeah.. I am.” He said. Kevin didn’t really know what to say.

 

“I’m uh... I’m not really the dating type... my roommate says I’m kinda messed up.” He said. Doctor handsome laughed. 

 

“Well, as a doctor, I think everyone is a little messed up.” He said, casually leaning against the bookshelves. Kevin laughed.

 

“I don’t even know your first  _name!_ ” He said, a smile creeping into his lips with no promise of going away. Doctor handsome jumped up from the bookshelf. 

 

“My name is Alexander, I’m 25, I’m allergic to apples, and I really really like you and if I’m being honest, I don’t really know why.” He said. Kevin looked down at his feet because he knew he was flushed, and he didn’t want him to see. “Please... I promise I’m not some creep.” He said. Kevin chuckled and looked up at him. They both shared a smile, that eventually took over their faces. 

 

After a minute of contemplation Kevin agreed. “Yeah... yeah ok.” He said. 

 

“Ok?!” Alexander asked. Kevin chuckled.

 

“Yeah, how about Thursday at eight? We can grab dinner.” He said. Alex did this little fist pump thing and smiled brightly at Kevin. 

 

“Ok it’s a date!” He said.

 

“Ok.” Kevin chuckled.

 

 _This might not be so bad,_ he thought.

 

“You’re going on a date with  _Doctor Handsome?!_ ” Arnold’s jaw dropped as he poured his cereal. Kevin buried his face in the pillow as he laid on the couch. 

 

“You wanna know his name?” Kevin asked.

 

“What is it, I bet it’s real smart sounding... like Demetrius.” 

 

“It’s Alexander.”

 

“ _ALEXANDER!”_ Arnold screeched. Kevin broke out into uncontrollable laughter, clutching the pillow to his chest. Arnold stood in the small kitchenette, staring into space. “Dear Heavenly Father,” he prayed, “please let Dr. Handsome Alexander the third-“

 

“The third?”

 

“Please let Dr. Sexy Handsome Alexander Matthews the  _third_ be as nice as Kevin is saying he is.” Arnold finished. Kevin rolled his eyes and sat up. Arnold plopped down next to him, cereal in hand.

 

“Y’know, one of us needs to learn to cook because this is the fourth night in a row it’s been cereal for dinner.” Kevin joked. Arnold rolled his eyes.

 

“Do you think it’s gonna last?” He asked. “The doctor not the cereal.” Kevin shrugged.

 

“I don’t really know to be honest.” He said. “He doesn’t seem like the  _sleep with you once and never be seen again_ type so...” Arnold nodded knowingly. He slapped Kevin on the back rather forcefully. 

 

“Well my friend, I hope this works out. You have me invested.” He said. They laughed and Kevin turned on the TV. He really is grateful for Arnold. He found himself admiring him. He was everything Kevin wanted to be, smart, funny, kind... all wrapped up inside a sort of Keebler Elf. “What?” Arnold asked. Kevin realized he was staring. He put his head on his shoulder.

 

“I love you.” He said. Arnold cuddled him back.

 

“I love you too, best friend.” 

 

_Kevin sat on the counter, humming a tune Nabulungi was singing earlier. She had been collecting leaves that she said reminded her of the Elders._

 

_“Here you go Elder Price.” She said. “This one is you, because it is very long and on top it is very pretty but on the other side it is very ugly.” Kevin laughed._

 

_“Well gee, thanks.” He said. She giggled._

 

_“But! If you scratch it,” She said, taking the leaf from him, and gently rubbing her nail to it. “It is very beautiful.” She said. Under the dirt was orange and red. Kevin preened and gave her a hug._

 

_“What’re you looking at?” A voice said from the doorway. Kevin looked up and saw Connor. He was leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed like a housewife. Kevin felt a little nervous staring at him,_

 

_“Naba gave me a leaf.” He said._

 

 _“A_ leaf? _” He asked._

 

 _“Yes, a_ leaf _.” Kevin mocked. Connor slowly walked across the kitchen to him. His hair was freshly cut and his clothes freshly washed. His hand landed on the counter right next to Kevin’s leg._

 

_“Can I see it?” He asked. Kevin felt a little crowded as Connor stood right in front of him, his body coming to rest in between Kevin’s thighs, painfully aware of his hand by his leg. Kevin felt a little choked as he handed the boy his leaf. Connor examined it with his hand, as the other tapped at the counter. It tapped and tapped and tapped until it was tapping at Kevin’s knee, and then it laid there. Kevin’s stomach was betraying him. Connor’s hand slid up his leg until it rested on his thigh. With every centimeter it traveled Kevin’s leg buzzed and his stomach knitted tighter. He felt his body getting warm. He didn’t realize that he’d been leaning down until Connor looked up. His eyes so big and blue and close, they looked right into Kevin’s and they knew everything about him. He wanted to stare at them all day._

 

_“I like the leaf.” He whispered, those eyes flickering down to his lips._

 

_“Thank you.” He whispered back._

 

“You’re welcome!” Alex said as Kevin got into his car. He waved good bye to Arnold who was watching from the window. “Is that you’re roommate?” He asked. Kevin nodded.

 

“Yeah, he’s my best friend.” He said. As Alex drove, he asked,

 

“How’d you two meet?”

 

“Well, we both used to be Mormon, and we lived in Salt Lake City, the most like,  _mormon_ place anyone could ever live, and we were paired together for our mission when we were nineteen and we went to Africa and now here we are.” He said. 

 

“That’s why you lived in Uganda? For a mission trip?” Alex asked. Kevin chuckled.

 

“I would barely call it a mission trip. Almost everyone there gave up on being a Mormon.” He said. Alex laughed rather loudly.

 

“Wow... did you like it there at least?” He asked. Kevin smiled. Thoughts of Naba and Arnold slow dancing at a village party, and the children dog-piling Kevin and the villagers coming over to the hut and Connor whispering things in his ear during Sunday Service all came rushing through his head like a movie. 

 

“I loved it.” He said. “If I had the money, I don’t think I ever would have left.” Alex was quiet for a second, seemingly taking in what Kevin had just said.

 

“Was it sad?.. like, seeing people starving and stuff?” He asked. Kevin kind of let out a laugh.

 

“It is but we helped the people as best we could, and Arnold and I send supplies and stuff every month to the village, so it’s not like they’re completely alone over there.” He said. Alex stared at him. A look of soft admiration on his face. “Uh.. the road.” Kevin said. 

 

“Oh yeah!” He said and pointed his focus back to the road ahead of him. “Y’know, as a doctor I’ve seen a lot of people die, and it’s really sad but I’ve never seen anyone die due to lack of basic necessity.” 

 

“Yeah it’s pretty bad.” Kevin said. 

 

The rest of the night was fine. They ate dinner and talked about their families and childhoods. Kevin found out they both like Disney and Sun Chips, and that he has a sweet spot for theatre. They talked all night and the conversation never seemed to dull. 

 

At the end of dinner Alex drive him home and they talked outside of Kevin’s door. 

 

“I had a lot of fun.” Kevin said. Alex looked extremely nervous, gripping his pants, and shuffling his feet in the shallow snow below the steps to his door.

 

“Yeah, I did too.” He said. Kevin smiled at him and Alex seemed to melt a little bit. He stepped up onto the next step, equaling level with Kevin. “Can I kiss you?” He asked. Kevin felt a little excited. He nodded. Alex put his gloved hand on Kevin’s cheek and leaned in. The kiss was warm and sweet and Kevin felt a little giddy. This was definitely different than most of the things he’s used to doing. Kevin snuck his hands around Alex’s waist and pulled him closer. He laughed a little, still nervous, and then Kevin’s tongue was in his mouth and he didn’t laugh after that. Alex was good at kissing, and he pushed Kevin up against the door, kissing his mouth and cheek and his neck by his ear, making Kevin go a little weak at the knees. 

 

“ _Do you wanna come inside?_ ” Kevin whispered, dragging his hands down Alex’s sides. Alex sort of realized what was happening and quickly stepped back from Kevin, loosing his footing and tripping down the step. “Are you ok?” Kevin asked reaching out and grabbing his hand.

 

“I don’t think we should sleep together!” Alex said, looking up at Kevin. Kevin laughed, rolling his eyes slightly.

 

“We don’t have to sleep together.” He said, putting his cold hands in his pockets. “It was just a suggestion... I mean usually when guys kiss me like that they wanna do more than dinner.” Kevin said. Alex stared at him, wide-eyed and open mouthed. He ran up the steps again to Kevin and kissed him. It kind of took him off guard. Alex held his face and pulled them apart, his eyes big and blue. “You’re sending me a lot of mixed signals here.” Kevin whispered, slightly out of breath.

 

“I wanna date you.” Alex said. Kevin raised his brow. “I don’t wanna be like those other guys who you see once and then never see again.” His hand slid from Kevin’s face into his hand, interlocking their fingers. Kevin looked down at it. This was strange. “We don’t have to be serious but I do want to date you.” He said. His eyes were pleading and Kevin felt a little out of breath looking at them. He scanned his face.

 

“... ok.” Kevin said quietly. 

 

“Ok?” He asked.

 

_“Ok Kevin I get it you can stop.” Connor said, turning and standing from his bed. Kevin sat and stared at him, eyebrows furrowed._

 

_“What?” He asked. Connor scoffed._

 

_“You know what.” He said and turned to him. “I get it, you don’t like me like that and you probably never will but you don’t have to make fun of me for it ok it’s not cool.”_

 

_“I wasn’t making fun of you!” Kevin said, standing from his bed. Connor rolled his eyes._

 

_“Literally, you are so infuriating.” He said._

 

_“I don’t know what you want from me.”_

 

_“I want you to stop being such a dick!” Connor yelled._

 

“Ok.” Kevin said, breaking into a smile when Alex laughed and pulled him in for another kiss. 

 

A few months past by and Kevin turned twenty three and suddenly it’s been two years since they left Uganda. He still thinks about it. In fact, it’s mostly all he thinks about. He misses the little things, like waking up at dawn and hearing the insects and birds outside. He misses the animals and the babies. He misses the companionship and the parties. He misses the innocence and lack thereof that was so unique Kevin can only describe it as ‘Uganda’. He misses Nabulungi and the boys. He misses a lot of people. He really misses Arnold though. Arnold just hasn’t been the same since he and Naba were separated. He is quieter now and walks around not really knowing what to do. He makes a lot of friends but none of them are girls, because, and this is just what Kevin thinks, he doesn’t want to betray her. Every time a letter comes in the mail from Kitguli is the happiest day of Arnold’s life. It’s like looking at a photograph from two years ago and seeing him and Naba laughing together under a tree. He usually cries when he reads them, and Kevin does too because that’s his best friend and he knows there’s nothing he can do to make it better. It’s the most helpless feeling in the world.

 

“Is there anyway we could bring her here?” Alex asked. Kevin was naked, cuddled up to his side under the covers, arm draped over his chest as he lightly scratched it. 

 

“We could, only it would cost a lot of money and we would have to figure out the whole Visa situation.” Kevin said sleepily. 

 

“Well... why don’t they just get married?” He said. Kevin laughed.

 

“You’re saying that like it’s just going out to get lunch.” 

 

“Well, it seems to me like they’re very in love? Aren’t they?” He said.

 

“I mean they are, but she  _lives_ there. Her dad lives there, that’s her home. It would be hard to just give that all up.” Kevin said.

 

“Well didn’t you do that?” He asked.

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

“You gave up your entire life to go to some foreign country for two years and all it did was change you into a better person.” He said. Kevin thought for a moment. “It could be the same for her... you never know.” 

 

“No you don’t.” He said. His hand scratched at Alex’s chest lazily, pulling at his hair. Alex smacked it.

 

“Stop that hurts.”

 

“Your mom hurts.” Kevin said, a sleepy smile taking over his face, as he buried it into his shoulder. 

 

“What does that even  _mean?_ ” He laughed. 

 

Kevin brought up the marriage idea to Arnold. Arnold was kind of in love with it. The only problem was communicating the idea back to her. It took about a month to get a letter back from sending one. The boys decided to do something. Something dramatic and very  _very_ expensive. 

 

The letter read:

 

_Dear Nabulungi Hatimbi, I usually don’t keep these things very formal, but, this letter is special. More special than any of the other ones. Stapled to the bottom of this paper is a plane ticket to America scheduled to take off in two months. All you have to do is get a passport, and some stuff to carry your things and then get yourself to the airport. (I also put in money so don’t worry). Naba, I really want you here, I think you’re life will be better here. I will be waiting outside of the Washington DC terminal on April 18th. Once you’re here I want us to be married. If you aren’t there, I know your answer, but if you are, I can’t wait to see you. I love you, Arnold Cunningham._

 

Once the letter was in the mail Arnold ran to the bathroom and puked. Kevin prayed, for the first time in a long time, that she would be there. 

 

Kevin definitely doesn’t prefer it, but sometimes he spends the night in Alex’s apartment. It’s bigger than his and Arnold’s, and he has a cat. 

 

Kevin does  _not_ get along with that cat. 

 

Connor has never really been a topic of discussion for them, mostly because Kevin, after two years, has finally started to get over him. He is happy now. But, Alex asks a question that he’s not really sure how to answer. 

 

“Have you ever had a boyfriend before me?” He asks while they lay in his couch, Sleepless in Seattle playing on the TV. Kevin thinks. He really thinks.

 

“Not technically.” He says. 

 

“What does technically mean? I feel like that should be something you either know or you don’t.” Kevin shrugs.

 

“I’ve only been in love one time.” He says. Alex kind of makes a noise. “I’m sorry, but it’s true. I think we haven’t known each other long enough for us to be in love.” Alex rolls his eyes.

 

“Kev, we’ve known each other for almost six months. How much longer do you need?” He asks. Kevin felt a little snappy.

 

“I don’t know, don’t push me to say it, I’m not going to say it if I don’t feel it. I hate lying.” He said. 

 

“I’m not asking you to lie-“

 

“Ok then let’s stop this conversation before we start fighting.”

 

“Is this not a fight?” He asked. 

 

“You would know if we were in a fight.” He said. Alex sighed. After a few minutes of silence and Tom Hanks on the screen, Alex asked,

 

“Who was he?” Kevin gave a questioning look. “The guy you were in love with.” Kevin crossed his arms and bit his lip. He hasn’t talked about Connor for a long time. 

 

“His uh... his name is Connor McKinley, he was... um, he was the district leader of our mission trip.” He said. Alex kind of chuckled and Kevin gave him a look. “I’m not going to talk about this if you’re gonna make fun of me.” He said, standing up. Alex pulled his arm back into the couch. 

 

“Calm down.” He said. “I won’t laugh I’m sorry.” He said. Kevin looked in his eyes and all he saw was Connor. Always the first to concede. 

 

“Well...  _God_ ok. We met when I went to Uganda and he was like,  _really_ gay but still in the closet.” Alex laughed. “And I didn’t even  _know_ that I liked him until being there for probably a year.” He said. “We spent so much time together. And it wasn’t even cuz we had too, or even wanted too, it’s just because we could. And he was just the worst all the time. He was so mean and crabby and if you got him angry he would just cuss at you like a sailor.” He said. 

 

“He doesn’t sound very pleasant.” Alex said. Kevin laughed.

 

“I don’t think he was... maybe that’s why I liked him so much.” Kevin said, staring off into nothing. “He had this crazy red hair, and he was really skinny and cranky, and his freckles were all over his body. And he had these  _eyes..._ that was probably my favorite thing about him. His eyes were really pale blue and they were just... I can’t even describe it.” Kevin said. “We just ended up getting really close and we never did anything about it but he was my favorite person and we just depended on each other a lot and... and I don’t know... we didn’t really end on good terms I think.” Kevin finished. He was stuck staring at his drink on the coffee table and no matter how hard he tried to look away he just couldn’t. Alex was quiet.

 

“Do you still miss him.” He asked. Kevin started to feel a little choked up. He’s never talked about this.

 

“Um... yeah...” his voice broke. “Yeah I  _think_ -... I think I miss him a lot.” He struggled to talk as he tried to steady his breathing. Alex sat up. 

 

“Are you ok?” He asked. 

 

“Yeah.” Kevin lied, eyes stuck to the cup. A hand touched his back, and he felt his walls crumbling. 

 

“Kev..”

 

Kevin turned and wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist and cried into his chest. Alex scratched his back and whispered little nothings and even though Kevin knew it was wrong, he pretended Alex’s waist was thinner and his hair was red. His hands were a little smaller and his voice just a little higher... just for a moment... just to imagine he was here, just to see what it would feel like. 

 

It was April 18th. They rented a car. Arnold used a flight tracker to see Nabulungi’s plane. It was supposed to land at 5:30, and they had made the four and a half hour drive to DC to the exact airport where they had landed two and a half years ago. It was five o’clock and Kevin and Arnold sat outside the terminal she was supposed to come out of. Arnold was so nervous that she wouldn’t be there that he had stretched a part of his shirt from pulling on it because of his nerves. Kevin was nervous too, because this was his idea and if she didn’t show up then what does that say about his judgment? 

 

They waited until 6:15 and Arnold was so distressed he cried five times. Just as they were about to give up and concede to the fact that she had stayed in Uganda, they heard a very familiar voice.

 

“ _ARNOLD!_ ” Their heads shot in the direction of the sound. There she was. Her hair was longer and bigger and her dress was newer and pink and she was in flip flops that she almost tripped over as she ran. She only hand one fatty old hand bag and she was sobbing as she ran across the room. Arnold was frozen, Kevin pushed him as he laughed loudly from excitement. He stumbled and ran as fast as he could. They hit each other with so much force Kevin thought they would fall over. He picked her up and spun her around and she grabbed him and kissed him as hard as she could and they stood there in the middle of the airport, foreheads touching, crying and slow dancing like there was music playing, like they were back in Uganda... like they picked up right where they left off. And Kevin watched, Kevin watched in awe of them, feeling the strong urge to cry out of both happiness and loneliness. Naba looked over and saw him. She covered her smile with her hand, and Arnold held her and laughed. She stretched her arm out to Kevin and he ran to her. 

 

They stood in the middle of the gate hugging like a bunch of idiots. God Kevin was so happy right now. She hugged him and whispered,

 

“I never forgot about you.” Kevin held her as tight as he could and they both cried.

 

“I didn’t either, I-I could never.” He stuttered. 

 

The drive home was long and Naba slept most of it because for her it was one in the morning and the boys were so happy to have her. Their trio was back.

 

They got Naba settled into the apartment and she was very overwhelmed. She had never seen 99% of the things they had, and she spent two weeks getting used to everything. Arnold bought her a phone and showed her what an actual text looked like and she laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. 

 

Kevin told her he had a boyfriend and she asked if it was Connor and he said no and she wondered why he was dating anyone  _other_  than Connor. 

 

“Me and Connor don’t talk.” He said. “Haven’t talked... since Uganda.” She looked confused.

 

“But I thought?..” 

 

“Yeah, me too.” She hugged him and said she was sorry but he didn’t care, what’s past is past and he’s mostly over it. Mostly. 

 

Arnold and Naba planned their wedding and Kevin spent more time with Alex, who had no idea that Kevin spoke almost fluent Swahili and was constantly arguing in the language with Nabulungi, still avoided saying I love you, and still searching for hours at a time to try and find Connor online. Always to no avail

 

The thing with Kevin is, that he just can’t seem to let anything go. He’s destined to chase after things he just can’t have. Especially when that thing was two inches shorter than him and had red hair and blue eyes and made him feel real love for two years and then cut him off completely with no warning or regard to his character. He really  _has_  been trying, really he has, but it gets hard when everything you do follows up with  _‘I bet Connor would’ve -fill in the blank- at that_ ’. And he  _knows_ he’s with Alex and he knows Alex loves him but Kevin isn’t really sure why... he thinks, even after all of this, if Connor spoke to him he would drop everything to hold a conversation.

 

“We were thinking of having roses as the center pieces. Would you think that’s good or too expensive?” Arnold asked. Kevin was staring at his foot. 

 

“Roses?” He asked.

 

_“Roses!” Connor exclaimed. His face was elongated with the excitement of the bouquet of natural flowers. “I didn’t know roses grew here?!” He said excitedly as he grabbed Kevin’s hand and pulled him towards the flowers. “Isn’t that cool?” He asked. Kevin smiled down at him._

 

_“Yeah there pretty cool.” He said._

 

_“I love roses. My mom had the garden and literally everything does but the roses so she just ended up making it a rose garden.” Connor said with nostalgia, plucking a bud from the stem. “They’re just so beautiful.” He stood up and looked at Kevin. His hand came up and rested on Kevin’s cheek, gently pulling his face in Connor’s direction. Kevin felt a little out of breath and by the way Connor’s hands sort of shook, he could tell he was too. Connor tucked the flower behind Kevin’s ear. “There you go, now you’re finally beautiful.” He said with that big smirk._

 

“Roses are great.” Kevin said with a secret smile. Arnold burst with happiness and scribbled something down in his little notebook. 

 

Nabulungi has decided she doesn’t like Alex, or as she calls him,  _fake Connor._ She doesn’t want him to attend their wedding and Kevin doesn’t know why. Yeah she can be hot-headed but this was just cruel. 

 

“Naba he’s my  _boyfriend!_ ” Kevin pleaded in Swahili. 

 

“I do not care! I do not like him, he reminds me too much of Elder McKinley!” She said, walking away from him to sit on the couch. Kevin rolled his eyes and scoffed. 

 

“Literally, he’s  _nothing_ like Connor... at all.” He stood in front of the couch and crossed his arms.

 

“Oh  _please,_ they are the same person. They both whine and they both let you walk all over them-“

 

“I don’t walk all over them-“

 

“And they  _look exactly the same!_ ” She finished. Kevin’s jaw dropped out of pure confusion and annoyance. 

 

“What are you  _talking_ about!” He said, crossing his arms. She sat up and looked him right in the eye. 

 

“Kevin. He looks just like him except no freckles and black hair.” She said. Kevin tried to say something back but the words left his mouth. “I do not think you really love him.”

 

“Well I never said I did.”

 

“Then if after all this time you still do not love him, why are you dragging him along? He obviously cares for you much more than you care for him, so why are you doing this?” She asked. Kevin threw his arms up in exasperation. 

 

“I don’t know!” He said, throwing a hand to his face. “I  _do_ like him I just....” he looked up at her through his fingers. She looked a little forlorn.

 

“... you are still in love with Elder McKinley?” She said quietly. Kevin stared at her, almost too scared to open his mouth. Too scared to confirm or deny any part of this crazy emotional battle he has put himself through. Kevin groaned as loud as he could, and fell onto the couch, his head landing in Naba’s lap. Her hands scratched his head like a dog.

 

“I don’t know.” He said. 

 

“I think you do.” She said. Kevin buried his head in her thigh and pretended she wasn’t there. 

 

“Whatever.” He said. 

 

“We are having the wedding in Sal Tlay Ka Siti.” She said still in Swahili, scratching his scalp. “I have always wanted to go, and Arnold’s family lives there and he says that’s where the Disney castle is.” She said dreamily. Kevin chuckled.

 

“Of course he called the church a Disney castle.” He mumbled. She smacked his back. 

 

“I am inviting the elders.” She said. He stayed quiet. “Arnold is helping me look them up to send them wedding invitations.” Kevin slowly felt his body tensing. He swallowed the lump in his throat. 

 

“Good luck finding them all.” He said sarcastically.

 

“Elder McKinley has already sent us his RSVP.” She said. Her hands were still in his hair. He didn’t really know what to say, his stomach felt sick. 

 

“...oh.” He said after a moment. “Where is he?” He asked, switching the dialect to English, almost not wanting to know the answer. Nabulungi sighed.

 

“Arnold probably doesn’t want me to tell you this but I think you deserve to know.” She said. Kevin sat up. She looked him deep in the eyes, hers were brown like his, and even though it was stupid to say out loud he always felt connected to her in some weird way, like they were twins in a past life or something. 

 

“What is it?” He asked. Naba took in a deep breath and let it out. 

 

“Well... Elder McKinley lives  _here_... he goes to school in the city.”She said gently. Kevin stared at her. No words coming to his mouth. Seeing as he wasn’t going to talk, Naba continued. “He and Arnold ran into each other at Arnold’s work. Elder McKinley was there to see the show and they talked and he told him he goes to school and lives in the campus and goes to auditions in the city.” She said. The first thing that came out of Kevin’s mouth was,

 

“Why hasn’t he reached out to me? Arnold told him I’m here too didn’t he?” He grabbed her hand and she looked sadly at him.

 

“Yes he did, but Elder McKinley said that he didn’t want to see you... he said that he wasn’t ready to see you.” She said, cautious of her choice of words, she could see Kevin tensing and getting angry. 

 

“What does that  _mean?!_ Not ready to see me? What did I do to him?!” He yelled. Kevin stood from the couch and walked around the room, spewing off his emotions and sticking them to the walls. “This entire time I’ve been trying to reach out to him and he’s just been ignoring me? That’s the shittiest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ve been  _killing_ myself to try and work things out and he-“

 

“I’m sure Elder McKinley-“

 

“STOP CALLING HIM ELDER MCKINLEY! HIS NAME IS CONNOR, WE AREN’T IN  _FUCKING_ UGANDA!” Kevin screamed. Naba sat pressed against the arm of the couch, like his words were pushing her into it. She looked scared, terrified. He saw the tears well up in her eyes. 

 

“Oh my god I’m so sorry.” He said, frozen in his place.

 

_“You c-can’t just say you’re sorry when you know y-you aren’t!” Connor yelled, his tears taking over his voice as he rapidly wiped them away. His shoulders shook as he cried and Kevin felt guilty. He stepped toward him and Connor held out his hand as he stepped back. “Don’t touch me.” He warned. His blue eyes were surrounded with red, and his face was growing pink._

 

_“I’m sorry.” Kevin said quietly, taking another step toward him. Connor wiped his last few tears away. And murmured swears under his breath._

 

 _“I_ hate  _that you make me feel like this.” He said with a cold stare._

 

“I didn’t mean to say that...” Kevin said. They were silent. He crossed the room to her and sat next to her and hugged her as tight as he possibly could. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.” She hugged him back.

 

“It is ok.” She said, then she smacked him as hard as she could on the back. “Don’t  _ever_ yell at me like that again.” She warned. 

 

“ _Geez!”_ He yelled, trying to soothe where she hit him. They laughed.

 

The wedding was in a week. Kevin knew he was going to see Connor and he had been telling himself that he’s ok with it. He brought Alex despite Nabulungi’s incessant rambling, because he needs one person in his corner. 

 

They all made the trip to Utah as a pack. They stayed at Arnold’s house and Kevin and Alex stayed at his house. He told his family about Alex but somehow forgot to mention they were together. But, he thinks his mother knows, and by that he means, she found them making out in the garden. She didn’t bring it up, in fact when Kevin  _tried_  to bring it up all she said was,

 

“ _Sweetie I don’t know what you’re talking about._ ” 

 

Kevin and Alex had a lot of quiet sex in his old bedroom and it kind of turned Kevin on a lot knowing his parents were right down the hall... thrill of not getting caught he guesses. Alex got along really well with his family, and they liked knowing that he was spending time with someone his parents respected... he just... He doesn’t know if  _he_ likes knowing it. 

 

Alex is great! Alex is wonderful! He’s passionate and sexy and smart and rich, but Kevin just has this...  _thing,_ he can’t figure out with him. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t love him. He should, but he doesn’t. 

 

The wedding took place in the Church of Latter-Day Saints, Salt Lake City, Utah. Nabulungi wore her mother’s wedding dress that she brought with her from Uganda and Kevin walked her down the aisle. Arnold couldn’t stop crying the entire ceremony, and neither could his parents. Kevin didn’t see Connor at all the entire ceremony, but just in case he did he made sure that he was constantly gripping Alex’s hand. 

 

After the bride and groom shared their first kiss, they all made their way to the reception which was held in Arnold’s house. They had a giant tent in the backyard that connected to the house with a DJ and a bar. Kevin met up with all of the boys from District 9. Most of them now had beards or girlfriends and a few, like Michaels and Neeley, were already married. Neeley actually had a one year old daughter named Katie, with blonde hair and green eyes and who looked so much like him, Kevin almost choked. Kevin thought the one who went through the most change though, was Church. He was still quiet and sadistic, but he had bulked up quite a bit, and now wore these glasses that made him look like Clark Kent. Kevin laughed and hugged him tight. He introduced him to his girlfriend, possibly the most beautiful woman Kevin had ever laid eyes on. She had these long legs and dark skin, and a familiar accent. 

 

“Her name is Nasiche, she’s from Uganda.” He said as she and Alex made small talk. “We met at a Red Cross meeting.” He looked at her like she was the only person in the room. Kevin thinks this is the first time he’s ever seen Church smile like he’s truly happy. 

 

“I’m happy for you.” He said. Church nudged his shoulder.

 

“Thanks. Have you seen McKinley yet?” He asked. Kevin got excited and then cursed himself for it.

 

“No I haven’t, is he here?” He played it cool. 

 

“Yeah, last I saw him he was getting a drink inside the house.” He said. Kevin nodded. 

 

“Funny how when I’m outside he’s inside.” Kevin said sarcastically. Church rolled his eyes. 

 

“Price, take it easy on him ok. He’s going through a bad time.” Church said.

 

“Do you know he’s blocked me on every single social media he has? I didn’t even know until Naba made Arnold show me his accounts!” Church shrugged.  

 

“I don’t know what to tell you.” He said. Kevin rolled his eyes. He snuck away from the little group, trying as low key as possible to slip inside the house. He searched everywhere but it seemed that no matter how hard he looked he couldn’t find a follicle of red hair. He forlornly made his way to the seats set up by the dance floor. Alex came and sat next to him.

 

“Where’d you run off too?” He asked. Kevin smiled at him. 

 

“I was just trying to find an old friend.” He said. It wasn’t a lie, they were friends... just, not at the moment.

 

“That guy Erin is really cool.” He said, nodding his head to church. Kevin blinked. 

 

“That was so weird.”

 

“What?”

 

“To hear him called by his first name.” He said. Alex laughed, and kissed him, and then left to go mingle. The room was crowded and he was feeling tired of all of these people. The music slowed and the DJ announced that the Newley weds would now have their first dance. 

 

Arnold and Nabulungi Hatimbi-Cunningham took centerstage and danced to a slow song that made Kevin feel peaceful. He watched them dance, completely immersed in each other. Their foreheads were pressed together and Arnold was whispering little things to her, making her laugh. They didn’t notice anyone at all... it was beautiful and Kevin felt a lot of things as he watched. 

 

He ended up dancing with Arnold’s Mom who wouldn’t stop crying and asking when Kevin was going to find a nice girl ( _or boy! Sweetie I don’t judge!_ ) to marry. Kevin just laughed and they talked about how beautiful Naba looked in her dress and How handsome Arnold was and how this whole shabang is going off without a hitch. He also danced with Alex for a little while. He kept kissing him and telling him how much he loved weddings and how it’s a shame they don’t go to more. Kevin smiled and nodded. He danced with Naba who pulled him in close and whispered ‘ _tazama_ ’. He did. It was a mistake.

 

Across the floor, standing by Neeley and his wife and daughter, watching Kevin like a hawk, was Connor. His hair was cut nice, he was a little taller, and not as skinny and didn’t have as many freckles. Kevin stopped dancing. He was frozen, his stomach dropped to his feet and he had no choice but to let his mouth hang open like a dog. Connor stared at him. His suit was dark blue, like Kevin’s. The light was low but he could still see those  _eyes._

 

“Kevin.” Naba whispered and gripped his hand, forcing him to move slowly to the beat of the song. He didn’t take his eyes off of Connor, scared that if he blinked too fast or moved to sharp, he would scare him off. Connor looked just as out of breath as he was. “Are you ok?” She asked. Kevin hugged her as they danced.

 

“... yeah.” He said. “I’m ok.” After a few moments of slow dancing he remembered this was  _her wedding_  and said, “I’m so happy for you.” She hugged him tighter.

 

“I love you.” She said.

 

“I love you too.”

 

They continued dancing. Naba went back to Arnold and Alex joined Kevin. They danced for what seemed like hours and Kevin started to feel a little tipsy from the alcohol. He and Alex slow danced and Connor was nowhere to be seen. Which is Kevin was being honest, was actually kind of a good thing. Alex held him tight, whispering funny things about the people around him. Kevin laughed and whispered back. Alex brushed a piece of Kevin’s hair back and kissed him, long and sweet. When they parted Kevin giggled like a little girl who’s crush gave her a hug. He felt a tap on his shoulder. 

 

“Can I have this dance?” Someone talked over the music. Kevin turned and almost jumped back. His body froze up and he was locked in one place. Connor stood there in front of him, the same Connor he knew almost three years ago was here now. Here in the Mormon capital of the world asking to cut into a dance between him and his boyfriend. Flashes and pings of old forgotten memories shot through Kevin like a bullet. Connor’s eyes were dark as he watched him.

 

“Excuse me?” Alex said. Connor looked at him and gave him his best Mormon smile. Kevin wanted to throw up. 

 

“Hi, we’re old friends, I haven’t seen him in years, do you mind if I take this dance?” He said. Alex gave him a weird look. He turned Kevin’s face to his and kissed him right in front of Connor. A deep kiss, and if Kevin already wanted to barf, he definitely did now that he heard Connor clear his throat. Alex smirked at Connor. 

 

“I’m gonna go get a drink.” He said to Kevin, who was still standing there like an idiot with his mouth open and his face flushed. Another slow song played. Connor took Kevin’s hand and put it on his waist, he put his hand on Kevin’s shoulder and held his other one, and before Kevin even had time to think about this situation, he was slow dancing with Connor. 

 

The only thing he could do was stare at those eyes... they seemed so sad now... 

 

Connor stared at Kevin and for a few moments as they danced, he felt like they were back in Uganda. Like these people weren’t here. Like it was one in the morning and they snuck off to the lake together and went swimming even though there’s alligators and bugs and Connor rode on Kevin’s back just to have an excuse to touch him and Kevin didn’t say anything because he secretly liked it. He wondered if Connor was also being reminded of those times as Connor watched his face carefully. Kevin gazed at him but only saw a scared nineteen year old telling him about his parents and how they would never understand and how Kevin said he understood him perfectly and how they touched and held hands and saw parts of each other no one had ever seen and how they almost kissed. 

 

They almost kissed  _so many times..._ but they chickened out. 

 

... They always seemed to chicken out. 

 

“So I assume that guy is your boyfriend?” Connor asked, and Kevin’s mind went blank when he heard his voice. He quickly snapped back.

 

“Why? Are you surprised?” Kevin retorted. Connor chuckled.

 

“I am actually.” He said with that little playful grin he used to always have with Kevin. “I always thought you would be married with a kid by now.” Kevin rolled his eyes.

 

“I’m not one to live up to expectations.” He said. Connor laughed and kind of threw his head back. Kevin melted a little bit. He felt like his knees were going to give out. 

 

“No... you certainly aren’t.” He said lowly. Connor seemed to be creeping in on him. As the song progressed he inched closer until they were practically chest to chest. His arms slid around Kevin’s neck and Kevin’s hands gripped his hips. They fell into a rhythm and Connor pushed their foreheads together and Kevins throat closed up as they both closed their eyes. He could feel Connor’s heartbeat through his clothes and it made this whole situation feel more real. Connor snuggled his head into Kevin’s neck and Kevin let him do it even thought he knew Alex was probably watching. Probably watching and feeling very betrayed. He felt hot under his clothes. He slid his arms around Connor’s waist and sighed into his shoulder, resting his head. Connor’s hand slid into Kevin’s hair, lightly scratching at it. Goose bumps cascaded down his spine as he leaned into his touch. He felt Connor chuckle and lift his head, his lips dragging over Kevin’s ear. 

 

“ _I missed you.”_ He whispered. Kevin’s breath quickened and he clutched Connor tighter. 

 

“Why have you been avoiding me?” He asked lowly. Connor danced with him, swaying them back and fourth to the beat of the music. 

 

“I don’t know...” he said. “I think I was scared... scared to start a new life and try to fit you into it.” Kevin pulled his head back and looked Connor in the eyes. After a moment Connor pushed their noses together slowly and Kevin wanted nothing more than to grab his head and kiss him so hard their noses broke. “I think about you all the time...” he whispered. Kevin watched the words come out of his mouth, entranced by the way his lips formed them and pushed them out. Connor’s hand cradled Kevin’s cheek as they danced. “Seeing you with that guy...” he began to say. “I don’t know why it made me so angry.” Kevin looked in his eyes and saw him. His Connor. He wasn’t lying or looking for attention... he was just telling the truth. He looked... really  _really_ sad and Kevin’s chest caved in and all of the sudden it didn’t matter that Connor had fucked him over.

 

“Can I have your number.” Kevin blurted, although it was more of a command and not a question. Connor bit his lip and thought for a moment. 

 

“Yeah ok.” He said. Kevin knew this was a bad idea but he did it anyway. They exchanged numbers after the song ended. Kevin stared down at his phone.

 

 _Connor McKinley_ , it read. He caught his breath for a second. 

 

“Is your boyfriend gonna be mad about that?” Connor asked, leaning up against the wall. Kevin shrugged. 

 

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” He said. Connor raised a brow and chuckled. A hand landed on Kevin’s hip and curled around his body, he jumped a little.

 

“What’s goin’ on over here?” Alex said, tightening his grip around Kevin as he noticed Connor’s name in Kevin’s phone. Kevin slid his phone in his pocket with a nervous laugh. Alex gave Connor a threatening look and kissed Kevin’s cheek. Connor rolled his eyes at the display of affection. 

 

“I’m gonna go talk to Church.” Connor said with a side eye at Alex. “Bye Kevin.” He said with a small smile.

 

“Bye...” Kevin said a little star struck. 

 

He felt Alex’s grip tighten around his waist as he watched Connor walk away. He looked at Alex, the guilt finally getting to him. Alex unlatched himself from Kevin’s waist and stared at him, absolutely heart-broken.

 

“Are you  _kidding_ me.” He said. 

 

“I was just-“

 

“We’ll talk about it after the wedding.” He said walking away, leaving Kevin alone by the dance floor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooOOOOooooo I wonder what will happen next, leave a comment we're half way there!!


	3. Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it has been a while huh?? I'm so happy to be updating this story!! It has been forever and i'm sorry about that, I went on a road-trip across country so I have been kinda busy lol. I hope you enjoy this chapter!! The next one is the last one and it will be long and exciting!! ok, ily guys, please leave a comment at the end, I absolutely LOVE reading your comments. ok, enjoy.

The wedding went by without a hitch. Naba threw the bouquet and Church’s girlfriend caught it, throwing a scandalous look back at him, to which he laughed at heartily. Arnold and his parents cried on each other and danced in one big chunky Cunningham clump, clinging and swaying to the music. Kevin sat by himself, ignoring Connor, and being ignored by Alex, but occasionally Naba would indulge in him and kiss his cheek and say something along the lines of, “Don’t be a baby..” or “This is my wedding, stop being sad.” 

 

Kevin watched Naba and Arnold climb into his shitty Toyota and wave back to him and the crowd, blowing kisses and laughing with pure happiness. Kevin watched as Arnold took her dainty hand in his, her ring, small but mighty, shining like the sun. They were so invested in each other, and Kevin swears to God that he saw Naba wipe a tear from Arnold’s face. 

 

Needless to say Kevin had to excuse himself to the bathroom to stop all of the ugly crying.

 

Alex wouldn’t even look at him, let alone talk to him, so the entire car ride back to their hotel was spent in miserable silence, the radio off and practically  _begging_ to be turned on to stifle the awkward. 

 

Kevin reached for that glorious volume button, hoping to escape in the beat of some music.  _Any music._ He turned on the radio, the sound blasting on at full volume startling them both. Alex yelled and temporarily lost control of the car, swerving across the lane into oncoming traffic and then ripping the steering wheel back into the proper lane before they were totaled by a minivan full of an unsuspecting mother and her three children. 

 

“ _Jesus Kevin!_ ” Alex yelled, his face flushed white, hands gripping the steering wheel for dear life. Kevin’s blood had run cold and he felt his thighs shaking with the uncontrollable urge to  _get out of this car._ What followed was uncomfortable silence, both men not knowing what to say when they both have so much they want to, anxious for the other to start talking. The radio was playing quietly and Kevin needed to hear it just to put his mind at ease, but as he reached for the volume dial Alex threw him a death glare. Kevin quietly resolved to sitting in the quiet of the car and half beating radio. 

 

He dared not to ask what Alex thought of him. He thought after  _years_ of not seeing Connor he would be ok when he saw him again. Or at least be strong enough to tell him to fuck off or something. But Connor was so different than he was in Uganda. He was bright and cunning and confident and so sure of himself and what he was doing, like he had pre-planned it. But he was also the same. He looked sad and anxious at times. Kevin couldn’t stop thinking about him, it was clogging every thought in his brain like a parasite. Hmm. What a fitting simile.  _Connor is rather like a parasite_ , Kevin thought. He just seemed so vastly different than what Kevin remembers of him. He used to be scrawny and shy but hotheaded and mean, but also really sweet and longing. That college really changed him, at least from what false memories Kevin has. But also! Not at all! He is still a self conceited asshole who only cares about what  _he_  wants.

 

He reflected on the car ride, how much he truly missed Connor. It wasn’t like before where he missed someone to talk to, he genuinely missed having him around and fighting with him and just.. well, living with him. Kevin just really misses him.

 

The car parked outside the hotel. Kevin went to reach for the door handle, but Alex stopped him. His hand placed on Kevin’s thigh was hot and clammy. Kevin looked at him, but he was staring ahead at the small bench in front of the car. Two flowerpots held purple pansies that seemed to dance and jump out of them. It reminded Kevin of Uganda, and for a second, as Alex’s hand gripped his leg a little tighter, he wondered what those flowers reminded Alex of.

 

“Can we just talk for a second.” Alex asked. Kevin slid his hand into Alex’s, holding it tight but neither taking their eyes from the flowers. He didn’t answer but Alex began to talk. His voice wavered with nerves. “So that guy...” he began. “You love him don’t you.” 

 

The silence that surrounded them began to choke Kevin and tie him down. He answered through the pain however. 

 

“.. I don’t know.” He whispered. Alex’s hand gripped his tighter. He was quiet though, and didn’t talk for a long time. Kevin felt ashamed, like he needed to take what he had said back. 

 

“What were you going to do?” Alex asked. His voice was straining, and Kevin didn’t look at him because he knew he was crying. “Were you just never going to tell me? Just let me sit here with you and  _pretend_ that we would be happy together, like you really wanted to be with me..” he choked on his tears a little bit. “Kevin that  _sucks._ ” He cried quietly. Kevin didn’t cry but he felt horrible. He felt heavy and sick. His face was twisted up in a pinched frown.

 

“I didn’t-“ he started. “I didn’t mean to lead you on I swear I... I didn’t mean to do that.” He said. 

 

“Kevin yes you  _did!_ ” He exclaimed, his face wet. “This whole relationship you have preferred him to me.” 

 

“I thought I would get over him.”

 

“We’ve been together for almost two years!” He said, raising his voice. Kevin felt small. Despite his tone, Alex didn’t let go of Kevin’s hand. “I just thought you would get over this. I thought that maybe if I tried harder, and loved you more than you would love me back or something... stupid like that.” After a pause, Kevin didn’t know what to do. The car was so silent you could hear the grasshoppers chirping outside. Kevin kept opening his mouth like he was going to say something, but nothing ever came out. He rested his head on Alex’s shoulder. Alex rested back. “...  _I still love you_.” He whispered. Kevin’s heart broke. He wanted to say it back. He wanted to  _so bad._.. but he couldn’t, it wasn’t true. So he stayed quiet. He heard Alex whisper something profane and cover his eyes with his free hand. Kevin snuggled into him more, trying to ignore the silent sobbing going on above him.

 

Alex was gone when Kevin woke up. His slight hangover pounding his head.

 

“ _Caught an early flight back to NY. Please don’t try to contact me unless you need a Doctor. -Alex”_ said the note next to Kevin’s pillow. He read it and sighed, crumbling it up and throwing it at the floor. 

 

“ _You’re so fucking stupid._ ” Kevin whispered to himself. His phone laid dormant on the bedside table. He wanted to check it. Maybe Connor texted him. His anxiety peeked as he reached for the device. 

 

No new messages. 

 

Ok. Kevin shoved the phone in his pocket. Ok... ok. He got up and grabbed his suitcase, throwing his belongings into it with no particular care. He checked out of the hotel, got into the rental car and made the lonely drive back to the city by himself. 

 

The long drive gave him time to think however. He thought about Connor but mostly about Alex and him waking up early, watching Kevin sleep, ripping up a paper and putting it where he knew Kevin would see it. He could picture Alex debating whether or not to crawl into bed with Kevin and pretend they didn’t break up last night. He left. Kevin thought about that. Alex really left him all alone in Utah. Kevin thinks he deserved it though, he has been kind of a dick. A big dick... a massive dick. Kevin has been a massive dick.

 

He stayed at crappy motels for two days, scared that there might be bugs in the bed and the walls. He stared at his phone for hours waiting for Connor to text him but not texting first. 

 

Once he made it home it was about two in the morning. His apartment was void of Arnold and Naba, no trace of fun anywhere. Kevin curled up in his bed, the comfort of his familiar sheets calming his brain. He rolled around in them soaking up the softness. 

 

“God I missed you.” He said to the pillow, digging his face into it. He pulled his phone out and texted Arnold. 

 

‘ _Just made it home, have fun on ur honey-moon, tell Naba I said I luv her._ ’ 

 

He waited for a response but then remembered it was two in the morning. 

 

He was about to plug in his phone and try to sleep when he saw Connor’s name in his contacts... against his better judgement he opened the chat box. 

 

‘ _Why haven’t you texted me??_ ’ He typed and then immediately deleted. 

 

‘ _Did you make it home safe?_ ’ Deleted again. 

 

In the end he just typed ‘ _hey_ ’ and clicked send before his better judgment got the best of him. He waited approximately fourteen minutes for a response before dozing off. 

 

_“Elder Price, wake up.” A nagging McKinley pushed at his shoulder. He smacked the offending hand away. “Price. Wake up.” He prodded again. Kevin pulled his thin blanket over his head and curled into his bed. McKinley yanked the blanket from him, leaving him cold and aggravated._

 

_“What do you want from me.” He whined. McKinley threw the blanket at his head._

 

_“Come help me make breakfast.” He said. Kevin reluctantly sat up, staring at him with deep bags and messy hair. He saw McKinley blush slightly as he looked at him._

 

_“Why.”_

 

_“Because everyone else is asleep.”_

 

_“Y’know what’s funny about that, I was also asleep.” Kevin hissed. McKinley rolled his eyes and grabbed his hand, his face only getting redder. Kevin didn’t notice however because he was occupied by having to pee._

 

When Kevin woke up he immediately grabbed at his phone. 

 

No new messages. 

 

He didn’t know what he was expecting, to be honest. He knew after years of trying to see him he would just be ignored, and this time is no different. Kevin sighed and tossed his phone on the bed next to him. 

 

The day went on as usual, Kevin got ready for work, grabbed a large coffee, went to work, pretended to work for a few hours, caught the train home, and shut his door to the world. He turned on the TV, some Tom Hanks movie was playing. Kevin loved Tom Hanks. He grabbed his blanket from his room and scampered to the couch, cocooning himself into the cushions. The movie was a nice distraction and he almost didn’t notice his phone buzzing in his pocket. He wrestled his arm through the blanket to grab it and whipped it out so he could see. On his screen was a text message.

 

_ Connor McKinley _

_-‘What’s up’_

 

Kevin’s heart actually skipped a beat. He whipped his other hand out of the comforter and opened the text box. 

 

_‘Nothing much lol, watching a Tom Hanks movie.’_

 

There was an immediate response.

 

_-‘Oooooh I love Tom Hanks’_

 

_‘Ya me too lol’_

 

_-‘Is it Toy Story?’_

 

Kevin giggled. They began texting back and fourth, each text getting more and more like how they used to talk. Kevin was immersed in his phone, laughing and holding it way to close to his face. He was dependent on seeing the new texts coming through. They talked and talked and Kevin decided to do something bold. It was only 8 o’clock...

 

‘ _Hey, do you wanna meet up?? Get some coffee or something??_ ’

 

Five minutes past before those dreadful bubbles popped up on his screen. His stomach was twisting and his heart pounding as the text popped up.

 

-‘ _sure_ ’ 

 

“Oh my God.” Kevin whispered. His eyes wide. He stared at the single word, not truly believing it was real. He sat, immersed in his own thoughts until he was interrupted by,

 

-‘ _Meet me at this Starbucks._ ’ 

 

He added a location. Kevin lurched off the couch, throwing the blanket off of him in a not-so-coordinated attempt to break free. He ran to his bedroom, half his body hitting the door.

 

“ _Fuck!_ ” He yelled, grabbing his shoulder like it would alleviate the pain. Kevin grabbed his wallet and coat, running full force out of his apartment. He fumbled with the key and the lock and the stairs and just the lower half of his body in general. The train ride took abnormally long, but Kevin guessed that’s just his nerves. He sat and stared at his phone, and when no new messages appeared- besides one from Arnold -he put it away and decided that staring at his hands was much more interesting and worth his time. 

 

“Come on, come on...” Kevin kept mumbling as he got nearer to his stop. As soon as the doors of the train opened he blasted off and up the subway stairs. He practically ran to the Starbucks, the cold air freezing his lungs. He much preferred the hot, drippy New York to this one, he liked the heat, it reminded him of home. 

 

The Starbucks was nearly empty, the only people there were a dad and his son buying hot chocolate, and an old woman and her service dog tucked away in the corner. The little boy waved at him as he approached the counter. He waved back with an easy smile as they left, carrying hot chocolates in their gloved hands. 

 

Kevin ordered a black coffee and sat at a table waiting for Connor.

 

...

 

No new messages.

 

...

 

He waited for 35 minutes at the table. Kevin kept obsessively checking his phone. Connor was late and Kevin refused to believe he stood him up. He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t lead Kevin on like that and then leave him in the dark. He wouldn’t make Kevin’s life any worse than it already is because all his life has reduced to is waiting for Connor McKinley to text him back. He wouldn-

 

Connor walked through the door.

 

His hair was damp, and Kevin noticed it had started raining outside. He was wearing a long dark coat that reached his knees and a black turtle neck. He had on khakis and the nicest shoes Kevin had ever seen. He stood by the door, peeling off his gloves, his face twisted up. Kevin felt breathless watching him as he ordered, obviously not seeing Kevin yet. He pushed his hair out of his face. It was a little longer on top and kept falling into his face. Kevin knew he was probably so annoyed with it but letting it grow anyway to seem cooler. 

 

He’s not going to lie. Connor looked really good right now. He has finally grown into his body, he was still skinny but he seemed to carry more muscle mass. His freckles had faded but his hair was still as bright and his  _eyes..._ Kevin just really likes Connor’s eyes. 

 

Connor was fiddling with the lid of his cup when he noticed Kevin sitting at the small table. His eyes went wide and his face blushed with what seemed like embarrassment. He sidled over to Kevin, taking a seat in front of him, none of his previous wedding confidence was showing.

 

They were quiet. Neither said a thing but both stared at each other’s eyes. The lump in Kevin’s throat was practically choking him.

 

“How have you-“

 

“I’m sorry-“ 

 

they both tried to talk at the same time, and then dissolved into awkward laughter. Connor’s eyebrows were knit together, his face and body embarrassed and ashamed. It made Kevin extremely confused and he tried not to stare at his lips.

 

“You go first.” Kevin said. Connor looked up at him and nodded after a second. 

 

He opened his mouth and only the hint of an ‘I’ came out before he scoffed and hid his face begrudgingly in his hands. Kevin sat waiting for him to talk, unsure of what to do. Connor put his hands down and stared at him, looking very determined. But it seemed the longer he made eye contact with Kevin the more red his face got and his confident facade slipped away. Once again he groaned and covered his face, talking from behind his hands he mumbled,

 

“I’m sorry.” 

 

“Sorry for what?” Kevin asked. Although he’s pretty sure he already  _knows_ what Connor is apologizing for. Connor’s head dropped to the table, but his hands stayed up in the air, seemingly talking for him.

 

“I’m sorry for what happened at the wedding.” He said.  _Oh_. Not what Kevin was expecting. Connor sat up in a rush, pushing out his words faster than Kevin could process them. “I knew I was gonna see you and I just  _knew_ that I would probably act really weird so I bought a bunch of booze and got like,  _super drunk_  before the reception ‘cuz I was like ‘ _oh yeah, this is a good idea, crash a friends wedding because you’re too much of a pussy to just man up and face a guy you-_ “ he cut himself off, face snapping red once again. He cleared his throat and Kevin couldn’t help the little chuckle that bubbled up out of him. Connor took a deep breath in. “What I’m  _trying_ to say, is that I acted like an asshole and I was just very drunk and I would have  _never_ come between you and your boyfriend and.... oh my  _God_ He probably thinks I’m such a tool.” Connor groaned. Kevin laughed.

 

“Well...” he mumbled. Connor looked up at him. He looked sad. It looked like it was genuinely  _hard_ for him to say the next thing. 

 

“I really am sorry.” He said. Kevin gave him a small smile. 

 

“Just for the wedding?” He asked. He couldn’t help himself. Connor sighed and played with the lid of his cup.

 

“Well... yes and no... I just- after the airport I just felt like... I felt like you didn’t like me. I felt like everything between us in Kitguli had just been because I was the only one who tolerated you besides Arnold and I kept pushing myself on you and you just rolled with it.. but when you didn’t... Y’know...  _kiss me,_ ” He whispered. “I don’t know. It just felt like... it felt like everything I wanted just wasn’t going to happen. And I was right! You got a boyfriend, and from what it looked like at the wedding, you guys are pretty serious.” He said. Kevin’s mouth was hanging open. “I was just so upset after the airport that when I got home to my phone I found you on every online site and blocked you immediately.” He said. “But after about a year I was watching Beauty and the Beast and it was horrible because all I could hear was  _you_ singing it like you used to back in Africa. So I made a fake account on Instagram to follow you, which was a mistake ‘cuz I just got to see all of the posts you made with that guy. But what was worse was when I followed  _him,_ because  _all he posted_ was pictures of you two.” Connor said. He was visibly getting more upset with every sentence. “And I liked seeing  _you,_ but sometimes he’d post pictures of you two kissing and it literally made me want to throw up.” 

 

Kevin didn’t really know what to say. Connor’s lid was ripped almost in half from his picking at where the straw goes in. 

 

“I was just so upset and sad, and I felt like I lost the  _best person_ I ever had in my life.” Kevin felt his mouth pull down into a frown. “And it seemed like you just..  _moved on_ , so fast. Like I never even mattered to you at all.” 

 

“I broke up with Alex.” Kevin blurted. Connor sat up with a jolt and they shared eye contact. Connor looked confused.

 

“Why?” He asked. Kevin could feel the ramble pouring from his mouth before it even started.

 

“After the airport I felt like such a loser. I felt like I absolutely fucked up and lost you because I was just so nervous around you. I was _always_ nervous around you.” Connor’s eyes were huge, listening to Kevin. “When I got home I was so depressed, I couldn’t even move. Me and Arnold moved out to New York to just get away from everything. I thought a change of scenery or something would help me stop thinking about you but it literally just made it worse. You were all I ever thought about, and I missed you so much. I kept looking you up on social media and I could never find you.” Kevin said. Connor’s face was scrunched like he was about to cry. “I went through a phase of just sleeping with every guy who would have me because I was just so  _lonely_. I met Alex and he reminded me so much of you, and I really tried to love him but I just couldn’t... he wasn’t what I wanted.” Kevin said. Connor blushed and cleared his throat.

 

“Uhm... What,  _do_ you want?” He asked quietly. 

 

“... you.” Kevin whispered sadly. Connor let out a short breath through his nose. 

 

“Oh my god.” He groaned as he covered his face. Kevin couldn’t tell if he was crying or not. He thinks he was. 

 

“I missed you a lot.” He said. “Probably more than the healthy amount.” He chuckled. Connor laughed and wiped his eyes.

 

“ _Shit, Kevin...”_ he mumbled behind his hand. Kevin reached for it. Connor stared at their hands, interlocked across the table. He was biting his lip, his eyebrows still knit together. 

 

“Do wanna come to my place?” Kevin asked. Connor looked shocked. “ _Not like that!_ We don’t have to do anything. I just want to spend time with you.” Connor contemplates for a moment. He stared at his hands and then at Kevin, and then around the Starbucks like someone was going to pop out of the walls and tell him this was a bad idea and ‘ _no Connor you should definitely not do this._ ’

 

“Yeah ok.” He agreed, looking back at Kevin with an unforeseen confidence. Kevin’s eyes went wide.

 

“Really?” He asked. Connor sort of chuckled with a small smile and then got embarrassed. 

 

“I just think it’s time for me to stop being an asshole.” He said, scratching the back of his neck. Kevin didn’t really know what to do. He looked at Connor, seemingly not being able to look anywhere else. Connor had the same idea apparently. Kevin felt a little out of breath. After almost three years of nothing, he is sitting in some shitty Starbucks with the only person (besides Arnold of course) that he has truly loved. Or maybe not loved. Maybe love is too strong a word and he is a little afraid to know that he is so dependent on Connor McKinley. That Connor could tell him to fuck off and die and Kevin would do it no questions asked. But if Connor told him to kiss him... Kevin might not know what to do. No. He won’t think about it. They won’t kiss. Kevin wants to have his  _friend_ back. Not his  _we’re friends but I also kind of want to pound you into the mattress and also want to hold you until I cry because you are literally all I think about and also I’m not going to show you any of these feelings because we are friends but I know you probably feel the same way and if you don’t I might just curl up into a ball and bury myself alive._

 

Yeah. Kevin just wants to be friends. 

 

“I just want to be friends.” He blurts. Ok, subtle. Connor looks surprised.

 

“What?” He asks. Kevin shakes his head.

 

“What I mean is, I want to start over.” He says, trying not to sound as desperate as he feels. “I want to get to know you  _properly,_ and I want to hang out with you and help you study for your school and I... I want to just be your friend.” He says, accidentally but also very much on purpose leaving out ‘ _because I’m afraid if we aren’t strictly just friends you are gonna run away again and I don’t think I will be able to handle that_ ’. Connor seemed to calm down. His eyes showing a little bit of surprise and a little bit of... happiness. 

 

“I think that is good.” He said dumbly. “That is a good thing to do.” Kevin smiled big and bright, a smile that hasn’t shown on his face is quite literally years. He pretended to not notice the blush on Connor’s face. “And if we are going to be just friends, then I don’t think it’s smart for me to come over tonight.” Connor said a little embarrassed. 

 

“That’s ok! That’s totally ok.” He said. Connor nodded. They both stood up from the table. Kevin went in for a hug and Connor went for a hand shake so they switched and ended up in this weird tango of handshakes and hugs and finally they both separated and laughed. Kevin, building up some courage, said,

 

“Let’s hang out tomorrow.” Knowing it’s Saturday and Connor doesn’t have class and Kevin doesn’t have work. “Come to my place and we can watch a movie.” 

 

Connor smiled at him. Small and easy.

 

“Ok.” He agreed. 

 

Kevin did not text Arnold anything that happened tonight and he certainly  _did not_ smile like a complete crazy man the entire bus ride and taxi home. Nor did he have trouble sleeping because he realized Connor wanted to actually spend time with him and he wasn’t repulsed by Kevin at all. 

 

Kevin definitely was not the happiest he had been in three years.

 

Kevin woke up and texted Connor. He showed up at the apartment around three, and Kevin gave him the grand tour. Connor kept saying things like, “You read actual books?” And “why do you own so many romance movies?” Kevin ordered a pizza and they got settled on the couch, four feet apart, and watched the only movie that had no romantic plot or subplot that Kevin owned. Finding Nemo. 

 

Kevin was not taking any chances with Connor. They barely touched besides when they would awkwardly bump into each other in the hallway. Kevin didn’t want him to feel any pressure or obligation, and Kevin focused solely on the movie. Not at all distracted. Not a tiny bit. 

 

He glanced over at Connor, noticing that Connor was already staring at him. They locked into stubborn eye contact and Kevin felt the lump forming in his throat. He broke the contact first, offering a slice of pizza to Connor, who took it. Their fingers touched and Kevin ignored the swooping in his stomach. 

 

The movie ended and Connor was laid on the couch, quite comfortably. 

 

“Well... what now?” He asked. Kevin shrugged. “Is there anything you want to do?” 

 

‘ _Oh yes_ ’ a little voice in Kevin’s mind chirped, which he shoved into the corner of his brain. 

 

“We can just chill, watch tv or something.” Kevin said.

 

“Ok.” Connor replied, Kevin was shocked he wanted to stay. “Do you have a blanket?” Connor asked. “It’s freezing in here.” 

 

“Oh yeah.” Kevin said, scurrying to his room and grabbing his comforter. He came back to the couch and tossed it onto Connor who laughed which made Kevin laugh and suddenly all the weight on his shoulders was gone and his muscles weren’t so tense. He sat on the couch and they watched some random show on TV. Connor was snuggled underneath Kevin’s blanket and Kevin’s brain helpfully reminded him that his blanket was going to smell like Connor tonight. 

 

“Aren’t you cold?” Connor asked. Kevin was cold. Freezing actually.

 

“No I’m fine.” He lied. Connor tutted. He sat up from the corner of the couch and scooted over to Kevin. He awkwardly threw half the blanket over him and sat next to him. Their bodies didn’t touch however, which Kevin was thankful for since he probably would’ve started sweating. He glanced at Connor who was watching the TV with a little smile. Kevin felt nervous and hot. They were so close. Connor readjusted himself into the couch, drawing up his legs so he sat criss-crossed, his knee resting on Kevin’s thigh under the blanket. It burned. Kevin swallowed the lump in his throat and kinda felt like he was gonna throw up. His shoulders were tense and he tried to focus solely on the tv. 

 

“Calm down Kevin.” Connor said without looking at him. He let out an awkward chuckle. 

 

“... sorry.” He whispered. 

 

“It’s fine.” Connor said. After a second he twisted, so he was facing Kevin, no longer touching him. “How long have you lived in New York?” He asked. Kevin’s eyebrows raised. Oh ok he wants to talk. Cool. Nice.

 

“About two and a half years.” He said. Connor looked a little surprised. 

 

“Oh. When I talked to Arnold when he invited me to the wedding I thought it had been like... a few months or something.” He said. Kevin laughed.

 

“No, we’ve lived here for a while. I honestly don’t know what’s gonna happen now that him and Naba are married though. I assume I will keep this place since it’s really small and they will get a new one but...” Kevin shrugged. “I don’t know.” Connor rested his hand on his cheek and his elbow on the top of the couch. He looked very snuggly. No he doesn’t.

 

“I have my own place too.” Connor said. 

 

“Really? I thought you would live on campus or something.” 

 

“No, I have a roommate, his name is Bernard.” Kevin gave him a look.

 

“Are you two?..” He gestured to nothing. Connor looked confused for about two seconds then laughed big and bright. Kevin ignored the squirming in his stomach.

 

“No! No no no. We met through class. He is  _painfully_ straight.” Connor said. For some reason Kevin felt really jealous. Connor looked at him. It was silent. “How have you been?” He asked, his tone sounding kind of sad. Kevin shrugged.

 

“I’ve been ok.” Because it’s true. He has been ok... kind of.

 

“Really Kev,”  _Kev_ “have you been ok?.. I just... I worry sometimes.” He said. Kevin didn’t know how to respond. 

 

“Why?” He asked. Connor looked around and shrugged embarrassingly. 

 

“I don’t know to be honest. I just.. we were so  _close_ Y’know?” He said. “Toward the end I barely spent any time with the other boys... it’s hard to be that close to someone and not wonder how they’re doing.. or like, wonder if they are ok without  _you._ ” He stated. Kevin took the hint.

 

“I missed you.” He said. Connor nodded solemnly. “No Connor I really did. It was like, everything I did, I couldn’t do without you popping into my head.” He said.

 

“Yeah... me too.” 

 

They were quiet for a long time. Connor looked at him, his eyes worried. Kevin gave him a small smile and Connor gave one back. 

 

“Can I hug you.” Connor asked, but it was really more of a statement. Kevin eyes went wide. 

 

“Uh.. yeah.” He said dumbly. Connor nodded but didn’t move. Kevin sat up straighter. Connor slowly inched his way over, fitting his body next to Kevin’s on the couch. He was warm. He nuzzled his face into Kevin’s neck. Kevin felt a shiver all the way down his spine. He must have felt Kevin’s heart beating a hundred times a second. Kevin wrapped his arms around Connor’s torso and rested his head over Connor’s shoulder. Connor made a little noise so Kevin tried to let go, thinking he was uncomfortable. 

 

“Please don’t.” He said gripping him tighter.

 

“Ok.” He whispered. They sat on his couch and hugged. Holding each other tight for a long time, Kevin stopped counting the minutes. Connor would go through phases of gripping tighter and holding loosely. Kevin held tight. The whole time. It was nice. Kevin began to remember things he never before thought of. Connor sneaking into his bed in the middle of the night when he would have nightmares to just let Kevin hold him. He would whisper things to him and laugh and Kevin would cover his mouth so he wouldn’t wake up Arnold and then there would  _always_  be that sexual tension because Kevin had his fingers on his mouth and one time Connor kissed his fingers and Kevin can’t believe he forgot about that, but know here he is. Connor is in his arms again. Stronger and paler, more confident but still scared. So scared of what people think of him but especially Kevin. 

 

Eventually Connor repositioned himself so he was laying between Kevin’s legs, his head on his chest, the blanket covering both of them. They talked and talked and talked for hours and Kevin didn’t touch him unless he asked which he didn’t. They didn’t hold hands, there was no weird sexual tension. Just two old friends. 

 

It was good. It was what Kevin needed. 

 

They woke up the next morning, Connor laying on top of Kevin on his couch, Kevin pretended to be asleep when Connor woke up so he wouldn’t know Kevin was scratching his head and watching him sleep like some old pervert. Connor looked a little shocked to wake up in someone else’s apartment. He rubbed his eyes.

 

“Good morning.” He said.

 

“Morning.” Kevin replied. 

 

“You’re couch is shit, just thought I should tell you that.” Connor said, his hair awry from sleep. Kevin chuckled.

 

“Is that why you laid on me and not the couch?” 

 

“Shut the fuck up.” Connor smiled. They both smiled.

 

Arnold and Naba were gone for two weeks on their honey-moon. Almost every day was spent with Connor. He would come over and watch movies, he would call Kevin when something happened that pissed him off, he brought food over, Kevin went to his place, they talked and laughed and hung out for what felt like forever. Kevin remembered why he missed him so much. Connor was funny, and smart, and pleasant to be around. He calmed Kevin down. Kevin found his old traits just as thrilling as his new ones and he wasn’t shy around him. They were exactly like they were in Uganda, just no unintentional romance.

 

They were laid on Connor’s bed in his apartment, watching some very shitty movie on Netflix off of his laptop. Something happened in the movie where the main romantic interest started to sob, a very ugly sob that lasted a very long time. 

 

“That’s literally what you look like when you cry.” Connor stated with a bright laugh. Kevin looked scandalized. 

 

“No it is not!” He argued. Connor rolled his eyes.

 

“Probably the only person alive who has seen you cry,  _actually cry_ , besides me is Arnold- don’t make that face you know it’s true.” The woman on screen made a horrible noise and Connor cackled. Kevin couldn’t help but laugh as well as the scene continued on. Connor rolled over onto his back so his side was pressed up against Kevin’s and suddenly it was just a little hard to laugh. Connor looked up at him with tears of laughter in his eyes. 

 

“You’re ridiculous.” Kevin said with a warm smile he couldn’t help but have. Connor chuckled a little, seemingly contemplating something. With a small smile still lingering on his face he took his hand and brushed back some of Kevin’s hair. 

 

“Yeah.” He said quietly, his hand stayed by Kevin’s face for far too long. Kevin swallowed the lump in his throat, and broke the eye contact, reverting back to the computer. Connor rolled back over. 

 

The rest of the movie played on, they laughed more, and Connor kept kind of flirting with Kevin and he did his best to ignore it because he didn’t want to go down the last road they were on except he kind of actually does a lot. Being this close to Connor again is scary. It’s scary because they have been together again for only two weeks and it feels like they never were apart. Kevin will steal glances at him and Connor will steal them right back. They blush and laugh and touch and pretend it all means nothing. Kevin broke up with his boyfriend of two years to just be friends with Connor McKinley again. And if he’s being honest... it was so worth it. This is all he wanted, and even though he does want more,  _like a lot more,_ he’s fine with just this.If this is the Connor he gets than this is the Connor he wants. 

 

When Kevin leaves, Connor gives him a hug and he feels warm the rest of the way home. 

 

Arnold and Naba get home on a Sunday evening while Kevin is at Connor’s apartment. When  _Kevin_ gets home, Arnold had gone to sleep and Naba was sitting on the couch waiting for him. 

 

“Hey!” He shouted. She laughed and jumped into his arms. They hugged for a long time. “Oh my gosh I missed you guys. Where is Arnold?”

 

“He is asleep, the flight was very long.” She said, sitting back on the couch. “Where have you been?” She asked expectantly. Kevin blushed.

 

“Oh, ha ha, just at a friends place.”

 

“You have no friends.” She said. Kevin stared at her. She stared back.

 

“... me and Connor are talking again.” He said. Naba shot up. 

 

“I  _knew it!_ ” She shouted. Kevin rushed forward and put his hand over her mouth. She started cackling from behind his hand, yelling things in Swahili, and then proceeded to lick him. Kevin threw his hand off in disgust, wiping it on his jeans.

 

“ _Be quiet!_ ” He half-whispered. “We’re just friends. Seriously, we are.” She rolled her eyes. “All we do is hang out, nothing more.” 

 

“Kevin. How much have you seen him since we have been gone?” She asked. Kevin didn’t answer. She hit him.

 

“Almost every day.” He said, embarrassed. She threw her hands into the air in celebration. “I’m serious though Naba, we are just friends. I don’t want to fuck this up any more than it already is.” Naba crossed to him and cupped his face in her hands.

 

“Kevin,” She said soothingly. “I believe in my heart that you two were meant to be together. Like me and Arnold, it was aligned in the stars.” Kevin couldn’t help but smile. He hugged her. She pulled back and really looked at him, those big brown eyes so similar to his own. “You have been waiting patiently, and it is your turn.” She said, resting her forehead on his. Kevin closed his eyes. He felt relaxed. 

 

Kevin and Connor met up in the morning to go for a walk in Central Park before Kevin had to be at work. 

 

“It’s so beautiful here isn’t it?” Connor asked, cheeks burnt red from the cold. Kevin smiled.

 

“It is.” He agreed easily. 

 

“Y’know, I dreamed of living here when I was a kid.” Connor said. Kevin raised his brows.

 

“Really?” He asked. “I didn’t know that.” Connor chuckled. 

 

“Yeah, I watched Annie a lot when I was little with my sisters and I always thought the city looked so cool... I always kinda felt like Annie, like I was trapped somewhere where no one really liked me, but one day I would just be like.. picked up or something and taken to a better place.” Kevin didn’t know what Annie was, but it sounded really important to Connor and he didn’t want to ruin the mood. 

 

“What do you mean a better place?” He asked. Connor looked at him with a shrug and a small smile. 

 

“I don’t know?” He said, looking forward. “It’s kinda like, New York is for me how Kitguli was for you, y’know?” And for once, Kevin did know. He imagined Connor as a little boy, the  _only_ boy, surrounded by girls, being forced into things he didn’t particularly like, or didn’t like at all. Being ashamed of his hair and freckles, thinking he looked too girly. He imagined Connor trying really hard and failing at baseball and his dad not talking to him, he imagined Connor was probably really close to his mother. He imagined Connor wanting to kiss Steve and being told he would go to hell for it. He imagined Connor lying to his family and to himself for years, trying to be someone else, _anyone else_ , just so he could feel comfortable in his own skin. Connor fantasized about New York because he knew that anyone could be anything there. It became his oasis, away from false hope and empty praying, and strange looks from his own family. He imagined Connor, district leader, finally making his father proud, and even that got ruined. He imagined Connor putting all of his eggs into one Kevin-shaped basket, not knowing the consequences. He imagined Connor not knowing what to do when he realized that it might actually be ok to let yourself like someone. He imagined Connor really not knowing what to do when he figured out the someone he liked liked him back, maybe more than he initially anticipated. He imagined Connor’s whole world being taken up by one single person. One single person who he put all of his false hopes into, he put him on a pedestal and cried when he fell off. He imagined Connor going home and not being able to fit himself back into his cookie-cutter Mormon household. He imagined Connor fighting and standing up to his dad, and running away. He imagined Connor risking it all to move out to New York. He imagined Connor dealing with loss of family and loss of someone he genuinely loved. He imagined Connor imagining himself, happy with Kevin. Kevin imagined so much that he didn’t even realize he had stopped walking. 

 

“Are you alright?” Connor asked. Kevin looked up. The flop of hair hanging from under Connor’s beanie was shining in the sun. Kevin took him in. 

 

“I’m glad you’re happy.” Kevin said. Connor’s face changed. They stood, staring, for a few seconds until Connor shook his head with a small smile. 

 

“Yeah.” He said, walking over to Kevin and grabbing his hand. “Me too.” 

 

They walked all the way back to Connor’s apartment, gloved hand in gloved hand, talking about everything they could think of. Turns out Connor and Church (they both refuse to call him Eric) still keep in touch and have remained very good friends. Kevin told Connor about all of his romantic escapades and Connor told Kevin that he never even dated anyone after Uganda. 

 

“No one ever really clicked.” He said. 

 

Kevin wanted to ask,  _‘did we click?’_ But he lost his nerve. 

 

Kevin walked Connor all the way up to his door. 

 

“Well, this is me.” Connor said awkwardly. Kevin smiled and Connor smiled back and they were too invested in each other to realize they were standing  _far_ too close for this to be considered friendly. “Your collar.” Connor said and reached up to readjust Kevin’s shirt collar. He tugged and folded it, Kevin felt himself drawing near him. Connor’s hands were on his neck and he looked up at Kevin, his eyes flickering down to his lips every now and then. Kevin felt his breath on his face and his head felt fuzzy. “Uhm..” Connor mumbled, his eyes focused solely on Kevin’s lips at this point.

 

“I missed you.” Kevin whispered, being bold and letting his hand attach to Connor’s waist. Connor breathing was coming out choppy, and he was gripping Kevin’s collar tight. Connor’s eyes flickered up to Kevin’s...  _so close..._  

 

_BANG_

 

They jumped apart. A neighbor had thrown their trash into a trash can and it tipped over, hitting the ground. When Kevin looked back at Connor he was already looking at him, face beat red. Connor, still holding Kevin’s collar, let go in a rush, mumbling that he had a lot of work to do. He quickly opened his door, fumbling with the keys and went inside yelling a short goodbye to Kevin, who was standing where he had been the whole time, really not sure of what had just happened. 

 

“... bye.” Kevin said to himself. He stared at Connor’s door for a few more seconds, and then sidled away, hands in his pockets, mind buzzing with what had just happened. 

 

When he got home he went into Arnold’s room where he and Nabulungi were laying, taking a nap. Work started in two hours. Kevin climbed into their bed which barely held them both, let alone three, and stuck himself in between them. 

 

“Hey buddy.” Arnold said without opening his eyes. Nabulungi slung her arm around him and Arnold pulled them both close. “Boy troubles?” Arnold asked in a sleepy tone. Kevin didn’t respond, he just dug himself deeper into their bodies. Maybe if he laid here long enough, the world would just go away. He could melt into his friends and never have to show his face again.

 

It was warm. Kevin’s phone buzzed in his pocket. Kevin fell asleep.

 


	4. End/Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it!! The final chapter. Sorry it has taken so long to upload this, I have been incredibly busy and honestly, i was content to just leave this story unfinished, but I know how annoying it is to love a story and for it to never have an ending, and all the sudden this story got a bunch of new readers so here I am. I really love this story and loved writing it, so I hope you guys like the ending. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT!!! I read ALL the comments and sometimes even save them to read them again, they make me so happy. Ok that's all, love you guys. <3

When Kevin woke up he felt as though the world was at peace. He was really happy. He sat up and checked the time on Arnold’s little Star Wars clock. 

 

Missed work.

 

Figures. He should have set an alarm. Oh well, Kevin never misses work, so he’ll just bullshit some excuse tomorrow. He tried to climb out of Naba and Arnold’s bed as gracefully as he could, and he made his way to his own bedroom. He laid in his bed and checked his phone.

 

‘ _Come over tomorrow_?’

 

He smiled and typed a reply.

 

‘ _Only if I get to use your fuzzy blanket._ ’

 

Winky-face...

 

This is flirting and Kevin knew it. He and Connor have been flirting with each other and he wasn’t the least bit ashamed. 

 

‘ _What are you doing right now?_ ’ He typed.

 

‘ _Studying_.’ Was the reply.

 

‘ _I can help you out with that_.’ He said, a grin smearing his face. 

 

‘ _I’m not objecting._..’ 

 

Kevin shot out of bed and zipped to the coat rack grabbing his big coat and hat, fumbling over his gloves. 

 

“Where are you going?” Asked Arnold who had just walked out of the hall. Kevin looked over at him like he had been caught doing something very scandalous. He laughed nervously and continued to fiddle with his glove.

 

“I’m uh... I’m just gonna go for a walk.. get some coffee or something.” He said, refusing eye contact. Arnold crossed his arms and leaned up against the wall.

 

“Kevin. You _hate_ the cold. Hate it.” He said. “Where are you _actually_ going?” Kevin looked him in the eye, both hands gloved. 

 

“... Connor’s place.” He half-whispered. Arnold made a face. “What?” Kevin asked.

 

_“Are you guys, like?.. a thing?” He asked._

 

_Kevin stood still in his tracks._

 

_“_ What? _” He asked in disbelief. Arnold shuffled over and awkwardly plopped onto his bed._

 

_“Buddy, you guys are_ always _together and you laugh and whisper and you let him touch you! You never let anyone touch you! To me that looks like some classic case of secret relationship.” Arnold said. Kevin scoffed. He was offended- no. More than offended, he was betrayed. If his own best friend looked at Elder McKinley and himself that way than what does everyone else think? What does he think?... what does McKinley think..._

 

_It’s by this time Kevin realized he had been staring at the ground and not answering for a very suspicious amount of time. He looked at Arnold, face beet red and said,_

 

_“Why would you say that? We are just friends, perfectly normal pals who just like to be around each other.” Arnold stood blank. Obviously careful about what would come out of his mouth he said,_

 

_“Kevin... y’know, it’s ok if you two aren’t strictly ‘_ just pals _’.” Kevin stood for a second contemplating this in his head. He looked around to make sure no one was here._

 

_“... really?” He asked._

 

_Arnold hugged him._

 

Arnold stood across the room as Kevin grabbed his keys.

 

“Is it bad that I’m going over there?” Arnold shook his head.

 

“No... but you were there this morning... and you missed work today.” Kevin crossed his arms.

 

“What are you implying?” He asked. Arnold rolled his eyes.

 

“He really messed you up Kevin. Really he did.” Kevin scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You can think I’m wrong all you want but after we got home he ghosted you for almost three years, broke you and Alex up, is making you late to work and making you so... so, _discombobulated_.” He said. 

 

“That’s was a really big word.” Kevin said a little impressed.

 

“I know, thank you, I bought word of the day toilet paper.”

 

Kevin laughed and rolled his eyes, stuffing his wallet in his pocket and reaching for the door handle.

 

“Arn, you don’t have to worry. I’m not 19 anymore, hell I’m not 21 anymore. We’re adults.” He said. Arnold made a pained face. “I’ll be fine.” He assured him, and walked out the door.

 

As he rode the train to the city Kevin realized... he isn’t fine. Yes, he’s happy but there is so much that he wants. He wants everything. But mostly he just wants to be around Connor, just like when he was 19 and realized he just wanted to be around Connor all the time but didn’t know why. Strange feelings bubbled up when Connor sat next to him and laughed, bumping there shoulders accidentally on purpose. Kevin remembers getting a little out of breathe when Connor would fix his hair or his tie. He remembers Connor telling him secrets he said he never told anyone else, and Kevin feeling as though he was the most important person in the world. Connor telling him he was gay, and Connor telling him that he liked Kevin and Kevin not knowing exactly what he meant by that. Connor sleeping on the couch to escape from his dreams and Kevin slowly joining him. Connor sleeping in his bed more often than not toward the end, and Kevin secretly touching his hip, his bare hip, once he knew Connor was asleep. He remembers that one so vividly. Connor was out, and in that pale moonlight Kevin could see a little part of his skin where his shirt wadded up. His heart started racing as he touched it, remembering so vividly how it made him feel so happy to just be touching Connor in a way that was more than just friendly. He remembers Connor kissing his head and cheeks but never his lips and Connor dancing and Connor singing and _Connor Connor Connor_....

 

It took up his whole mind until nothing was good unless Connor was there to see it. 

 

Kevin realized.. he was totally and _utterly_ in love with him. 

 

Connor opened his door and Kevin walked in, setting his stuff down on the little side table. His roommate, Bernard, was sitting on their couch watching X-Factor. Connor looked at Bernard then smiled at Kevin.

 

“Want to go to my room?” He asked. 

 

“Yes please.” Kevin said. Connor pulled him by the hand to his bedroom and Kevin pointedly ignored the look he got from Bernard. Connor closed the door and Kevin ran to Connor’s bed, snatching his big white blanket and cocooning himself in it. 

 

“No you don’t!” Connor yelled and tackled him on the bed trying to pry the blanket off. Kevin giggled like a prepubescent girl and fought to keep the blanket.

 

“ _Nooo!_ ” He yelled when Connor (who was straddling him at this point) finally ripped the blanket open and crawled into it, engulfing he and Kevin.

 

“It’s so cold, the heater in this apartment is shit.” He said with a laugh. Kevin jabbed his side.

 

“Why are you wearing shorts and a t-shirt then?” He asked, refusing to turn his head to look at him because then the proximity would be too drastic.

 

“A hoe never gets cold.” Connor said and immediately both men erupted into hideous laughter and Kevin realized Connor had draped his arm over his chest and their legs were all tangled up like they were lovers. Kevin felt a little choked but it was nice.

 

“The sun is going down, what time is it?” He asked. Connor’s body shifted so now he was properly laying half on Kevin, his arm groping his side and his leg straddling Kevin’s. Connor buried his head in Kevin’s neck. 

 

“I don’t know...” he said. “You smell so good.” And Kevin thought about if Connor was thinking about how his sheets are going to smell like Kevin now and all the sudden they were back in Uganda and it hit Kevin like a freight train. Except this time... it was more calm. 

 

“Thanks, I do shower occasionally.” He joked. Connor chuckled and gripped Kevin tighter. Kevin maneuvered his arm under Connor so he was holding his torso. Connor was warm and quiet and Kevin felt like he could fall asleep. 

 

Connor was tugging gently at the color of Kevin’s shirt. “ _God_ , I miss you.” He whispered. Kevin gripped him. 

 

“I’m here now.” He whispered back, and he wasn’t sure if when he turned his head to look at Connor that’s when it happened or when he took a breathe it pushed him forward but it doesn’t matter because now Connor was kissing him so fiercely it hurt and Kevin tried to keep up as Connor gripped and clawed at his shirt and hair and straddled his lap and Kevin felt how much Connor wanted this and Connor felt how much Kevin had been longing for this and Connor making these noises that should be _illegal_. And Kevin couldn’t get enough. 

 

Connor’s tongue was in his mouth and his hands trying to unbutton his pants and the blanket has been discarded because it’s just so hot in this room all the sudden. 

 

Kevin had never been with anybody that made him feel like this, like if he didn’t have him right now the earth would explode. Kevin kissed Connor’s neck and bit his ear and licked his jaw and Connor _trembled_. He flipped them around and Connor was still straddling him. Kevin lifted his shirt and touched everything he could, he ripped it off and kissed him so much his lips went numb. Kevin felt Connor in a way he knew nobody had ever felt Connor and it made him so hard he thought his pants might split. Kevin slid Connor’s shorts down and kissed his hip, and bit his hip, and kissed further and further down until Connor was so out of it that he thought he might just pass out, reduced to shallow breathing and clutching at Kevin’s hair as he sucked him off. 

 

“ _Kev-Kevin I-fuck... fuck._..” he whimpered and Kevin stopped, coming back up to his face and Connor grabbed him and kissed him hard and Kevin felt like he was melting as the light drained from the room and Connor’s skin touched his in a way that would make a pastor squeal. “I want you.” Connor whispered and that was it. Kevin was gone.

 

They had sex right there and it was the most beautiful thing Kevin had ever experienced. Every time Connor gripped him or huffed or made those little noises when Kevin would get him somewhere really good, Kevin thanked God. He kissed Connor and jacked him off and fucked him all at the same time and Connor was panting and twitching as he finished and Kevin finished right after and it was so hot and Connor was gripping him and wouldn’t let him go and then Kevin said it.

 

“I love you.” Connor looked into his eyes, still out of breath and Kevin felt nervous and anxious and what if he just made a really big mistake, they were _finally_ ok and-

 

“ _I love you, Kevin Price._ ” He said. And Kevin cried like a baby and Connor made fun of him but he was crying too and they were both a mess and they didn’t let each other go and it was hot but that was ok because after years of it being cold it was nice.

 

In the morning they laid in bed, Kevin playing with Connor’s hair and kissing his face and his lips and making up for the years he couldn’t be doing this. Connor looked at him, bruises on his neck, sleepy blue eyes and messy red hair as the sun began to rise and Kevin thought. 

 

' _This is the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen_.' he thought.

 

“I have a question.” Connor asked.

 

“What is it?” 

 

“Did you want to be with me?” He asked, Kevin pulled a face. “Like, back in Africa.” 

 

“Yes.” He said without a second of hesitation. Connor smiled and hid his face in his hand. “It was really gradual but I think I remember the exact moment I realized I might have more than _‘just friends_ ’ feelings for you.” He said. Connor looked very excited all the sudden. 

 

“Oh my God, what was it?” He asked. Kevin laughed and blushed, feeling a little self conscious. 

 

“I remember we were out by the lake with all of the boys and I was putting that weird sunscreen stuff on you-“

 

“That stuff was _so_ gross.” 

 

“-and when I was done you looked at me, and you just... _smiled_.” He said. “And I remember feeling really weird, like I didn’t know what was going on and I kinda panicked when I started thinking about it until I literally had a panic attack.” Connor started laughing and so did Kevin.

 

“You were such a wreck back then.” He chuckled. 

 

“...Still am.” Connor laid his head on his chest and sighed. “What about you?” Kevin asked. Connor let out a breathy laugh. 

 

“ _Oooooh where do I begin_.” He said. Kevin stroked Connor’s hair and listened. “Well when you first walked into the mission hut I was kind of like... _woah_ y’know?” Kevin laughed. “You were just?... _so_ hot.” 

 

“I still am I hope.” Connor laughed and slapped his chest.

 

“Yes you are, stop interrupting me.” He said with a playful smile. “And you know how I was back then. I was so in denial that God himself could have told me I was a fag and I would have started talking about football or something.” Kevin belted out a big laugh at that, covering his face. Connor laughed too and tried to pry his hand from his face. “It’s true! Ok listen I’m getting to where I need to be! So, you walked in and it was kind of like... I was really taken in by you, but then you opened your mouth and you were _such_ an asshole that I stopped liking you.” He said, Kevin shrugged his shoulders.

 

“That’s fair.” 

 

“Don’t get me wrong. I still thought you were the hottest one of them all but your personality was just bad.” He said. “But then after about two months I started to talk to you because you only really talked to Arnold and I was pretty close with all the boys except you.” Connor was drawing lines up and down Kevin’s chest as he talked. “So I made it my personal goal by the end of the third month there that I would be your friend, and _God_ you made it so difficult. I remember when I was making dinner and you wanted to cook your own so you kept stealing all my stuff in the kitchen and then you cut yourself and you tried not to cry and then you wouldn’t look at me for a whole week because you were embarrassed you _almost_ cried in front of me.” 

 

“God I was so annoying.” Kevin said. 

 

“I didn’t ever think you were annoying to be honest. I definitely _got_ annoyed with you but nothing too extreme. I always just felt kinda bad for you because I knew there was a lot going on but you never wanted to talk to me about it.” He said. “But then one day I was in my little office writing a report and you came in and just _spilled_.” He said.

 

“Yeah.. I remember that.”

 

“After that we kind of gradually started hanging out and I started to find you attractive again because now there was a personality to go with the body, but it’s funny. I didn’t even admit to myself that I was gay and had any feelings toward you -which was a lie- until that night we were walking back from the village and we got into a little fight and it escalated really bad and you called me a coward and I called you asshole and... _geez_ I was so angry that it just slipped out.” Connor’s face was bothered. “I remember... yelling it. I remember yelling it at you and then covering my mouth like I had just insulted my mother or something. And then I cried so hard I could barely stand, and you were so sweet, you just... held me.” He said. Connor wasn’t looking at him, but almost as if he was watching it play out right in front of him, he smiled a little. “And I think that was when I really started liking you.” 

 

Kevin sat up and Connor followed. Kevin kissed him and Connor pushed back, kissing him tenderly. 

 

“You know what’s kinda embarrassing but I’m going to tell you anyway because we’ve done so much already that I might as well.” Connor said. Kevin smiled and kissed him again. “I used to get really, _really_ vivid dreams about you. Like, crazy stuff.” 

 

“Oh!” Kevin’s eyes went wide. “Like what?!” Connor laughed, embarrassed.

 

“Well it was always stuff like us sitting by the lake and then you’d kiss me and whisper really sweet stuff and then - _and this was most of the time_ \- sometimes it would be a body with a blank face and it was always a man and we were having sex and then all the sudden it was you and I remember it would turn me on so much more when it was your face.” He said. 

 

“I used to jack off to you.” Kevin said. Connor gasped.

 

“ _Really!?_ ” He said. Kevin laughed.

 

“Yeah, in the shower sometimes but mostly in bed.” 

 

“What was I doing that made you so horny?” Connor said resting his forehead on Kevin’s. 

 

“Literally anything.” He said and they both laughed. “You would touch me on my back or thighs and it would bother me so much and I would be touching where you touched and eventually my hand would wander. I remember how the first time I did it I thought about weird stuff, like anything but you and it took so long. But then a while later I remember you were whispering something to me and your lips touched my ear on accident and it burned so bad and that night I thought about you kissing my ear and I think I got off in like a minute.” Connor looked at his eyes. 

 

“You got off to me kissing your ear?” He asked quietly. Kevin gave a little nod. Connor looked around with his eyes. He readjusted so he was straddling Kevin’s lap, both still very naked. He kissed Kevin’s cheek and then his jaw and neck and up to his ear and Kevin’s hands on reflex went to hold Connor’s hips. Connor bit his earlobe and licked up the shell of his ear and Kevin was brought back to himself in his bed at 19 years old getting hard over a thought but now that thought was a _very_ real, _very_ naked man. Connor whispered, 

 

“ _Is that all?_ ” He asked, kissing down his jaw again. “ _Did you ever think this would happen?_ ” He asked, one of his hands scratching Kevin’s head and the other trailing down his side just before his crotch. Kevin didn’t respond, his brain was foggy with lust and longing. He let Connor do whatever he wanted because this _is_ what he thought about and no, he never thought it would actually happen.

 

Kevin went home and called Connor four times before he even reached his front door. 

 

“Arnold.” He said, shutting the door. Arnold and Naba were setting up the Christmas tree by the couch. “And Naba." Kevin added, they looked amused.

 

“Where have you been, it is almost six o’clock?” Naba asked. Geez it was still weird to see her in winter clothes. Kevin assumes it’s also weird for her to see them in winter clothes. Kevin’s hands shot up to his face and he slid his back down the door, smile wide. 

 

“I...” He began. “Have so much to tell you.” 

 

They sat by the tree and Kevin told them every excruciating detail of his last 24 hours and Arnold and Naba both looked and reacted as if this was the biggest news of the century.. which, it _kinda_ was... for them at least. 

 

“Are you two _finally_ going to be together?” Naba asked. Kevin smiled.

 

“Yeah, I think so.” He said. 

 

They pulled Kevin into a big hug and it was so nice and Kevin was so happy. 

 

-

 

He buzzed up to apartment 334. 

 

“ _Who is it?_ ” Came screeching out of the buzzer.

 

“It’s Kevin, let me in I’m freezing my ass off.” He said, bundling himself best he could. 

 

“ _What do you want?_ ” 

 

“To talk.” Kevin said. He didn’t expect the door to unlock, but it did, so he opened it. He walked to Alex’s apartment door and knocked. He opened and moved to the side, letting Kevin in, who awkwardly stood by the couch. 

 

He did _not_ want to be here.

 

“You need to talk to him.” Connor said, leaning up against his counter. 

 

“Or I can stay here and never leave or face my poor relationship choices again.” He said, wrapping his arms around Connor’s waist. 

 

“You know if you don’t talk to him you’ll regret it because one day you’ll see him and we’ll be together and it will be really awkward and I don’t want that to happen."

 

“No.” 

 

“ _Yes_.”

 

“Fine.”

 

So he’s here. Alex standing across from him, arms crossed, looking very ready for Kevin to leave. 

 

“Well?” He asked. “Are you going to talk or can I get back to work.” Kevin took in a big breath. Ok. You got this.

 

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” He said.

 

“For what?” Alex asked. _Fuck_ , he is like Connor. 

 

“For everything.” He said. That didn’t seem to be a thorough enough answer because Alex just raised his eyebrows. “I’m sorry I led you on and made you feel singled out and alone. I’m sorry I lied to you and told you I was over him. I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to leave and that you felt like you were never allowed to contact me unless I was dying...” he took a step forward, Alex’s eyes delving into his own. “And I’m sorry I fucked everything up so bad... I tend to do that.” 

 

Alex grabbed him and kissed him. 

 

Kevin pushed him off.

 

They stood in silence. Alex turned away from him and Kevin tried to process what exactly just happened.

 

“So I take it that you don’t want to get back together.” Alex said, arms crossed and head dropping, back still facing Kevin. 

 

Kevin stood in silence for a second. “Sorry.” He said. 

 

“Are you with him?” He asked. Kevin looked but Alex was still turned away. 

 

“... yeah.” He said. _God, this sucks_. Alex nodded.

 

“Ok.” He said. 

 

“Hey.” Kevin said, tapping Alex’s shoulder. He turned around. Kevin hugged him. “I wish I was better to you... You deserve someone who’s as good as you.” 

 

Alex stood still for a moment, then slowly but surely hugged him back. 

 

“Thanks Kevin.” He said quietly. Kevin hugged him tighter. 

 

Kevin got home that night, and Connor came over. They watched a movie and made hot chocolate and everything was just as it should be.

 

——

 

Kevin fixed his bow tie. 

 

He was _beyond_ nervous. 

 

Arnold was helping him and trying to wrangle Lalla, who has just turned 4. 

 

“Sorry Kev- Lalla stop!” He yelled as his little girl tipped over a vase, almost spilling flower water all over her very nice white dress. Kevin picked up the child and she squealed.

 

“How are you two going to handle two of these things.” Kevin said with a laugh, kissing her chubby cheek. This made him feel calm. Arnold took her from his arms and sat her down on the couch.

 

“You are being so bad.” He scolded. She laughed and grabbed his cheeks.

 

“I’m sorry daddy!” She yelled. Kevin smiled and Arnold melted. Nabulungi walked in, her dress cascading over her big belly. 

 

“Lalla, _uacha kuwa mgumu_.” She scolded. Lalla ran to her mother and Naba picked her up. “Hello Kevin.” She said with a big smile. “Nervous?”

 

“ _Very_.” He said. She waddled over to him and kissed him. Arnold joined and Lalla kissed his cheek. 

 

“You got this, pal.” Arnold said. 

 

“I love you.” Naba said. Kevin couldn’t speak, because he knows if he opens his mouth right now he’ll just cry so he nodded and hugged them. Arnold and Naba took their little girl out to start the ceremony and Kevin sat down, his heart racing a million miles an hour.

 

“... _shit_.” He said. 

 

A knock came at the door. Connor came in, his suit was white with a purple pansy in his pocket. 

 

“Hey.” He said and closed the door. Kevin looked up and stressed out even more.

 

“Y-you aren’t supposed to see me until the ceremony!” He said.

 

“Fuck that, we do everything together, I was going crazy all by myself.” He said and ran over to Kevin, sitting on his lap. Before Kevin could process this he was being kissed by Connor and he was kissing back. 

 

Connor rest his forehead on Kevin’s. 

 

“ _I love you_.” He whispered. Kevin kissed him. 

 

“I’m freaking out.” Kevin whispered back. Connor laughed and held his cheek.

 

“Same.” He said. “But you know what? People do this all the time.” 

 

“...My parents aren’t here.”

 

“Neither are mine.” 

 

They sat in silence. 

 

“I’ll always be here though.” Connor said, suddenly very serious. Kevin thought for a moment... Connor was sitting on his lap and kissing his face and being there for him all the time, and that’s all Kevin has ever wanted... 

 

“Me too.” He whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> DR HANDSOME!!! This series is going to be about 3-4 chapters long, and do not worry, Connor will be here soon!!!!


End file.
